I am afraid of many things.
Talking To People
Believe it or not, I have a great fear of talking to people. I irrationally believe that whenever I open my mouth to speak the words will come out jumbled, stupid, and wrong. The more I care about a person, the more I fear they will hate me because of what I say. Much of the time I’m able to push this fear away and I often do. Honestly, no one truly knows how much strength it takes me just to say hello to them. Sometimes, It is literally killing me to speak aloud. My insides feel as if they are tearing themselves apart and I feel nauseous and weak. Honestly in these moments I want to cry, but because of another fear I smile more and ignore the pain as much as possible.
Hurting Others
I fear hurting other people emotionally or physically. Saying physically is kind of an obvious meaning I feel, but to clarify; I don’t want to be the cause of the physical pain of anyone else. I don't like to hit people, though at times I may fake it. Hurting others emotionally encompasses a couple different things. I don’t want to hurt people's feelings by what I say, or do. So I try not to be rude or snarky. Also, I feel that talking to people about my fears and problems will burden then emotionally. That burden I interpret as pain. With that, I try not to tell people about what hurts me and what I feel.
Failing In School/ Disappointing Those I Care For
Tests and homework cause me to panic because I fear I will fail. Even classes that I enjoy will become difficult for me to face because I feel I'm not good enough to pass the class. I love school and I love learning. Testing my knowledge is obviously going to happen. Often I will freeze up in tests and do worse than I could have done if it were just class work. Homework freaks me out so I procrastinate it until I absolutely can’t avoid it anymore. Having people I care about frightens me because I fear failing them. When I care for someone I fear doing things that will cause them to be disappointed in me. I fear I will constantly be that person that they look at and can’t see any hope for. In effect, I try not to allow myself to care too deeply about people. I have distanced myself from my family and most of my friends.
Being Alone
I’m afraid of being by myself. I am my own worse enemy and will take all of my fears and magnify them when I’m alone. I will add fears on top of those fears and trap myself for hours and hours in this whirlpool of doom. Because of this harmful relationship with myself, I will seek to be with people…I will WANT more than anything in the world to be with the people I care for, but often will feel that if I reach out I will be burdening them. I will begin to seek company from anyone, anywhere…Being alone is dangerous…
I am afraid of myself.
