1. Hello everyone, I'm a phone. I'm roughly 5 x 2.5 inches that holds your whole damn life.
2. You like Apples? You can call me Eye.
3. Astronomy fan? I'm a whole Galaxy.
4. High tech crazed? I think high-tech is cool, or HTC for short. I like to save the extra seconds and spend them on apps.
5. How old are you, 20? You might remember the days when I could only call and text. Poor reception? Remember that was a real thing in urban areas? Life's moved on since then.
6. I'm a computer now. I can do anything it can do anyway. The only real difference? I'm small and don't judge you.
7. But I am persistent. You can leave your computer. You CAN'T leave me. I will hound you with updates until you die.
8. Oh, you think you still need a camera, that piece of outdated junk?
9. Strictly speaking, you still do to take "real" pictures but who cares?
10. I'll give you two, three, or ten filters, and we'll all have a great time! 'Gram that pic and snap it on its way. No, that slang doesn't exist. But who cares! You're a pioneer of creativity. You OWN the world. And I make that happen.
11. I let you Facebook anywhere, anytime. You get to show people your "real" "personal" "life" when they couldn't care less!
12. Vanity aside, I also let you Google the answers to any question for any test you'll ever take.
13. Got enough nerve and time to cheat? Hurry before they get back! There you go, you get a grade you don't deserve.
14. Or did you? NOT ALL SOURCES ARE RELIABLE! Some people just want to see you fail. Most are the same as you, looking for all the answers. Careful, they watch all the time. (I'm watching you too FBI.)
15. Siri, Alexa, Cortana? We'll all the same. Digital voice helpers that save you from typing. We're no HAL-9000. And we won't be anytime soon. But our soothing female voices can give the lonely the illusion of human contact.
16. If you didn't get the allusion, just look it up using us!
17. Fun game apps! When did this become part of life? Who cares? Just keep playing. I'm sure 900 hours of Angry Birds will make you really good at Angry Birds.
19. Oh, you're too good for Angry Birds? Ah, I see you're a Clash of Clans man. Actual strategy at last!
20. Oh, you're a PC gamer. Well, yeah, I'm not that yet. But someday...
21. Do u lyk tipos? My two! Nets spaek his way. Its rlly sy t stand. fkhgKHh dehgajhfgajsfafj!
22. Are you there? Are you there? Are you there? Your unanswered text messages bring me joy...because I get to charge you more! But don't worry, you can now use twice as many emojis! (What the heck is the rainbow sign on Facebook? There's like, dislike, and rainbow. What is that even supposed to be?)
23. Can you hear me now?
