When I was in sixth grade, my grandfather passed away. It was a gorgeous fall Saturday morning. I had a soccer game and I was getting ready, sitting in the living room floor pulling my striped tube socks up over my shin guards. The weather was so wonderful that Mom had the back doors wide open. The crisp autumn air was trickling into the house. I was so excited. It was a perfect day. The weather was amazing. I was going to play my favorite sport. My grandparents were coming to watch me play. It seriously could not have gotten any better for this sixth grader. That’s when my dad got a phone call from my Uncle Wade. He said they were coming over and it was important. I watched my aunt come in the front door with tears streaming down her face. Mom already knew before they even got here. That was the day I became terrified of that perfect-day feeling.
I didn’t know my grandfather’s death would affect me as much as it did. After all, I was young, and grandparents dying is something everyone has to go through. But to this day I am wary if a day is going too well. Perfect days to me don’t exist because something will surely come up and knock you back to reality. In a way my mentality causes me to sit around and wait for the bad to show up. My personality is full of optimism but a corner in the back of my mind will always be looking for the flaw, the sign that this is reality and not a dream.
The flaws don’t have to be as tragic as a family member dying. This day is utterly gorgeous? Oh wait, no here are the mosquitoes biting my legs off. I won’t complain about the mosquitoes because they are comforting. Now the day is truly perfect because there is something trying to mess it up. You will perceive me as being an optimist and seeing the silver lining because I’m heroically ignoring the mosquitoes for the view of the bigger picture. But I am not a hero. I am a coward. I’m scared of something being too good to be true. I project issues onto situations, people, opportunities, relationships that are not there just so I can feel safe that it’s not perfect. I am not perfect, so I am right at home.
Dear Me,
Don’t ruin things because they are perfect. Stop being a coward. If someone is being too reasonable, don’t purposefully be unreasonable just to bring yourself back to reality. Don’t self-destruct. Things can be right in the world every once in awhile if you just get over yourself. Stop looking for people’s flaws. Don’t give up on things. Don’t undo things. Don’t screw it up if you don’t see anyone else around who is going to screw it up for you. If you have something good in front of you, hold on to it, whether that be a person or an opportunity or whatever. You have to stop it, because one day you are going to screw something up so much that it's unsalvageable. Don’t do that. Be better. Learn to hold on to wonderful things with contentment. I believe in you.
Sincerely,
That Sixth Grade Soccer Player
If you tend to self-destruct, I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know what happened to you that caused you to be like this, but I do know that this tendency is short of the mark. Let’s try together to be better. Accept gifts we’ve been given. Accept people. Accept opportunities. And try with all of your might to make everything the best that it can be, because anything less is unacceptable and ungrateful.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24
