If there are any "what if's" that go through my head (and there are a lot, trust me) one of the top what if's would be "What if I was adopted?" I know there isn't an use in thinking about it, because I wasn't adopted and I'm right where I am, right now - but I still can't help but wonder what kind of person I would be, if I would be much different or not too far off from who I am now. What about my adoptive family? These are the things that randomly pop up into my mind when I'm daydreaming or wanting to think about something else. It's just so incredibly crazy and mind-altering how it almost happened; but it didn't.

My mother got pregnant with me when she was sixteen years old. I guess in the '90s, getting pregnant as a teenager wasn't as easy to get away with as it is today. Her life consisted of being pregnant with me, going to school, working, attempting to keep a social life, and having to deal with the biological father - so I can only imagine how chaotic it must have been. Of course, the thought of adoption comes across every teen mom's mind, I'm sure. I guess my mom and my grandma were almost going to do it, as they thought it must have been the best decision. I was actually talking about this with my mom and grandma a couple weeks ago. I knew since I was about thirteen that my mom once thought about adoption, but she didn't go into much detail about it. My mom must have been pretty far along, and she and my grandma were thinking highly of adoptive parents, and even picked out a potential couple. (they didn't meet them, but there was the idea) I guess my teenage, pregnant mother at the time was sitting in the car, and said "I can't do this" to my grandma - referring to giving me away. My mom said that she couldn't live without me. And just like that, I was born and then life went on and I was kept within my biological family - which I am insanely grateful for. Honestly, I don't know if I would have been able to survive within an adoptive family once I found out. I would probably feel like something was missing, or that something wasn't right. And with my anxiety and depression, I don't know if any of it would work out in the end as I would grow older. But then again, I have no idea. I'm just really happy that my mom decided to keep me.

My love life would be completely different . . .

I wouldn't have met my first love, had so much history that we had together, made all of those memories together, and had met all of those people in between because of him. It's all this crazy, intense domino effect. I wouldn't have had my heart broken by him four times within my teenage years if I was adopted. Maybe I wouldn't have had my heart broken at all - or maybe it would be broken by someone else. If I was adopted, I wouldn't have experienced all of the specific pains that I felt when my first love broke my heart. I wouldn't have gained so much strength as I do right now. Overall, I wouldn't be who I am today because my first love and first heartbreak molded me into this stronger, more resilient person who can get up and shake the dust off and continue moving.

Who in the world would my friends be?

The people you are friends with gravitate towards you because, well - you're you. What if I was a different person? The people who I am friends with today have come into my world because I was at certain points in my life, situations who defined me, and gave me a personality. If I wasn't who I am today, I may not have the amazingly incredible, and (quirky) friendships that I have right now. Who knows? Maybe I would have fallen in with a really bad, toxic crowd. All I know is that I found some pretty special gems who appreciate me for me.

My relationship with my adoptive parents?

I always think about this one the most. If I was adopted as an infant, I would grow up not knowing about my background - I would see my parents as just that, and not as adoptive parents. Would they sit me down one day when I was older to tell me where I truly came from? And if they did, how would I react? I wonder if I would be upset at them, or at my mom for giving me up. I can't say how I would react because I would be a different person and not who I am right now. The person who I am right now would be very overwhelmed and shocked - but that's just an understatement. It's so weird even contemplating living with people who weren't biologically related to me. I can't even fathom it. The thought is almost uncomfortable and makes me even more thankful that I wasn't put up for adoption. But then again, I could have grown up with a stronger personality (not so sensitive) and had been alright with the idea of being an adopted child.

Bottom line:

I'm more than happy that my family decided to keep me. I like who I am today, even if I did go through some tough obstacles throughout my life thus far because it's stitched me into the person I am right now. If I didn't experience what I have this far, I wouldn't be irrational, I wouldn't have to struggle, which only made me stronger . . . and I wouldn't have adapted all of my other personality traits in between. It's too strange even thinking that my life had the possibility of being different. I have the here and now, and the future to look forward to, and yeah, it's probably silly to pine on what my life could have been. Still, I find myself pondering about it from time to time. I think that's only natural, though.