Whelp, we are officially three debates into what will prove to be the worst four-part series since the Twilight movies. And so far, the discourse can be summarized in a single gif:
But don't get me wrong, this doesn't anger me. Honestly, it makes me kind of jealous. I mean the debates are like the ultimate test. It's the bar exam, MCAT, whatever you want to call it for becoming president. And I just wished my tests at school were structured the same way. Why?
Well, if school exams were like presidential debates...
1. I could ignore the hard questions that I don't know the answer to, and just answer my own question.
Once Acetyl CoA enters the TCA cycle how many hydrogen ions will be carried over to the electron chain cycle?
Me: Alright, now before I answer that let me just say this: Luke Skywalker was NOT the chosen one. It was always Anakin. Anakin fulfilled the prophecy when he wiped out all the Jedi so that there were two Sith and two Jedi.
Okay, but the question was how many hydrogen-
Me: I mean come on, how did you not see that coming, Yoda? 800 years old and you still can't do the math that 2=2? Calculus it is not, a dumbass you are.
2. I could pass the test just by insulting a fellow test-taker.
Listen, people, just look at Dopey Jimmy here. Do we really want someone who wears crocs to get an A on this test?
*Jubilant cheers fill the classroom. Teacher stamps an A+ on your test and calls you a master debater.*
3. Instead of citing actual sources to prove my point, I could just give anecdotes that easily could have been made up and don't really change the facts.
Look I get it, most people would say that if Marie has 20 watermelons and you take away 17 that she'd only have 3, but I have a friend named Henry. And he told me with tears streaming down his face that if you took 17 watermelons from him he'd only have two. So please people, don't listen to these cold mathematical laws. Listen to your heart, to Henry, to the common man.
4. If I didn't like the questions I was asked, I could go on TV and bitch about it on a morning show
"Look, I like Mrs. Jones. She's a nice lady, always has the best posters in her room. But I thought the test was completely unfair. I mean, you want me to answer 50 multiple choice questions and write an essay in a 50 minute class? You're off your rocker Mrs. Jones."
5. And lastly, I could blame my poor performance on something that clearly didn't affect how I did at all (like a faulty microphone).
It's not my fault I got an F. I was sitting next to the window and the sun was in my eyes the whole time. I was practically blind out there. The B's looked like D's, the D's looked like B's. I'm surprised I didn't even write my name wrong it was so bad.
