Identity Crisis
Start writing a post

Identity Crisis

To the person struggling with their worth and value, you are loved, no matter how unloved you may feel at times.

Pexels /

These last few years of college have been extremely formative for me. Especially this past year. On this exact day last year, I was in Israel for a school trip. Which sounds like the coolest thing ever and is the dream for many people. I absolutely loved it, but I was also miserable the entire time. It's odd for me to be sitting here now looking back on this experience, but it has shown me just how drastically far I've come in just a year. When I was on that trip, I was in the worst place mentally that I've ever been in. I was at my lowest point, struggling with anxiety in multiple different ways, and was feeling extremely alone in multiple different ways as well.

Most of my years in college have been spent trying so hard to be liked by others and desiring to be included by them. I was constantly gauging everyone around me and was always analyzing myself, always trying to change who I was or how I presented my self. Was I being too quiet, too loud, too immature, not funny enough, not engaging enough, not intentional enough, too annoying, too personal, not personal enough? Believe me, the list goes on and on. My mind was always trying to figure out what I could control on my end that would result in the others around me liking me or not. But the thing about this was that even though I was constantly playing this game in my head, I still ended up feeling the most alone and unwanted that I've ever felt in my life. Because I was overanalyzing everything, it only made it that much more evident when I would fall short or when friends would be sucky sometimes.

Through going to counseling I began the process of realizing that anxiety was a big part of the overall struggle with this. But even more than that I learned the really hard way that at the root of it I was trying to find something in these people that I can only truly get from God. I was trying to place my identity and worth in how I was seen and treated by those around me. When I would spend just one too many weekends in a row alone, or when I would go through weeks where others weren't reaching out to me initiating conversation, or even if it was a day where others just weren't as excited to see me, I would immediately equate that to me not being wanted. This would cause me to continue the cycle of wracking my brain to figure out what I needed to change about myself that would make others want to be around me, which would then mean that I was valued and loved. This is a really dangerous game to play because no matter what I did, I always lost. There's something that a few very wise people in my life had to very patiently tell me over and over and it was this:

"People will always fail you no matter what. The only one who will never fail you is Christ."

Until I was able to realize that I just continued to keep getting hurt and let down. Because of my stubbornness, I sat in this mental torture and this never-ending cycle for quite a few more months. And honestly, I still catch myself in this mindset today sometimes. But slowly I began to realize the validity of that statement more and more. I was able to get to a place where I knew that my value and worth comes from Christ and that it is something that will never change. He set my value when he died for me on the cross, I am loved, valued, and wanted by him. I knew this as a fact, but I still struggled with believing it. It was many months of having to mentally prepare myself before going into social situations where I knew I would be struggling mentally. I would remind myself "It doesn't matter how I am viewed by them, It doesn't matter if nobody acknowledges me at all, it doesn't matter if I get a bunch of empty greetings, It doesn't matter because regardless of how these people treat me they can't change my value. They can't take anything away from my value or worth because it is in Christ and I am already loved by him." It was an extremely slow process of having to do this countless times before I could get to where I'm at now. I am nowhere near where I used to be, but I do still slip back into this mindset at times. I do still need to do this self-talk sometimes before entering social situations. But even in these moments of weakness where I am doubting my worth and am searching for a way to establish it, I am able to catch myself within them and point myself back to Christ.

I know for a fact that I'm no longer in that place mentally that I was at this time last year. Even though most of the overall social struggles are still present, I don't allow those to dictate my overall worth. I also don't allow those moments to mean that I'm unwanted by everyone. In counseling, they described my tendency to do that as "disqualifying the positive". Just because a few sucky situations would happen and a few people would make me feel unwanted, I would allow that to overshadow the ways that others were showing me that they cared and would immediately decide that I wasn't loved or wanted by anyone. But now I cherish and acknowledge the little ways that I do see other people loving me. I am able to love others more freely because I no longer feel like I'm doing these things in order to gain their love and friendship in return.

I am able to love others so freely because Christ loved me. I'm able to do this because I finally think I've reached a place of actually believing my worth is in Christ. I realize that I haven't been as worried lately about how others see me. This doesn't mean that the anxiety is just totally gone, I am naturally a worrier so there are lots of times that anxiety is a still a huge struggle for me. The difference is in how long I allow myself to sit in the anxiety and how I respond once I realize that I am in a moment of anxiety. This is something that is far easier said than done, but I am done allowing my identity to be found in those around me. My Identity is in Christ and I no longer feel the need to change myself for those around me.

While trying to distract myself from the fact that its finals week, I started watching the show the masked singer. On one of the episodes, a contestant sang "I don't want to be" by Gavin Degraw, and that song resonated with me so much. That song perfectly describes where I'm at right now. A line of the song says "I'm tired of looking 'round rooms, wondering what I've got to do, Or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me" There is so much freedom in getting to this place, I'm tired of constantly trying to find a way to figure out what's wrong with me so that others will then like me after I change that thing. I don't want to be anything other than genuinely myself. I am someone who is loved by God and that is enough for me. I don't need to change myself to be loved by God, and because of that I am enough. I'm done trying to change myself for those around me, If there are people that will only like me once I've changed certain aspects of myself, then they were never truly a friend to me to begin with.

So, to the person that has been feeling a little extra lonely and unwanted this week, I empathize with you so much. But from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that you are seen and loved by God. Run to him in those moments of overwhelming loneliness and fleeting worth. He cares for you, your identity and worth can be found in the one true King. Until you realize that, this cycle will just continue because you're searching for something that can only be found in him.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

23 Pandemic-Approved Date Ideas That'll Send Sparks Flying From Six Feet Apart

There's a safe way to date right now and yes, it includes masks.


While some people would rather opt out of dating altogether during the pandemic so they don't have to wear a mask on a first date, others are choosing to listen to both guidelines and their heart in order to find love during the time of coronavirus (COVID-19).

Should you be one of the individuals welcoming romance right now, there are pandemic-approved dates you can go on that still adhere to guidelines (and yes, you'll have to wear a mask).

Keep Reading... Show less

I didn't believe the notification when it came through to my phone: Ruth Bader Ginsburg had died from complications due to cancer.

Keep Reading... Show less

In our patriarchal society, men hide from their feelings, but toxic masculinity is literally killing men. They swallow the pain and move on so that they can look, feel, and act "tough."

But, strength is derived from asking for help and voicing your struggle and, trust me, working on your mental health is one hell of a struggle. The real way to "man up" is to acknowledge the downfalls in unjust societal norms. Mental health problems do not mean that a man is weak, they are neurologically-based disorders that require professional treatment.

Keep Reading... Show less

11 Things Your Boyfriend Should Do Before He Drops $499 On A PS5

Let's start with spending less time gaming and more time with you.


Scrolling through Twitter this week had me rolling on the floor laughing as I read some of the hilarious tweets from ladies who, whether in a relationship or not, shared reactions to the news that PlayStation 5 is on its way

As this "buy your boyfriend a PS5" joke takes off across the internet, let's just say, there are a few things your BF should be doing before dropping $499 on the new gaming system — or, if the tweets are real for some, before you buy it for him as a gift.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Sorry, But 'I Don’t Care About Politics' Is Not A Valid Excuse For NOT Voting

The younger generation of voters is so crucial to the upcoming election because our vote is going to shape the world that we are about to enter as adults.


When I ask my friends if they are voting this term most of them respond with "no" followed by an explanation of "I don't care enough," "It doesn't affect me," or "I don't keep up with politics," etc. I get it, as a college student I know that there are many other things to be concerned about like school, relationships, work, and friends. I also understand that keeping up with politics can seem like trying to keep up with an over-exaggerated reality show that has way too many seasons. Not to mention most news stations and websites are biased so it's hard to decipher if what you hear is true or fake.

However, despite all of this annoyance, as the next generation of Americans, we have to remember that we owe it to ourselves, our families, and to our futures to care.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tasia Sli

Tasia Sli and Anna Yang met in quintessential New York fashion at a chic rooftop event, inquisitive Yale grad Anna gravitating towards model/entrepreneur Tasia.

Keep Reading... Show less
Photo by Anna Hernández-Buces

"Do you have big parties on Cinco de Mayo?"

Keep Reading... Show less

Two of my favorite things in life are reading and books. Obviously, they go hand-in-hand. In my life, I've realized that there is nothing better than learning about the current world or getting fully immersed in another world. Reading can inspire, teach, and entertain you.

For me, the feeling of opening a book and smelling that fresh book smell can't compete with anything else.

Keep Reading... Show less

Expecting mother and wife to singer/songwriter John Legend may have accidentally slipped up and revealed the gender of her and Legend's third baby today on her Instagram story.

Keep Reading... Show less

20 Books About Latin And Hispanic Heritage Absolutely Everyone Should Have On Their Bookshelf

Any ally of the community needs to be reading these incredible reads.


I go through phases when it comes to what I like to read. I am typically reading two books at any given time: one serious nonfiction and one escapist fiction novel to have on hand and open up depending on my mood.

What remains consistent, however, amongst most of my fellow bibliophiles is a desire to try new and different authors and genres. I, as an Indian woman, have been partial to reading books written by fellow Indian and Desi writers since I first got a library card.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Asked 46 Women What They Thought About The Term 'Plus-Size', And Here's What They Had To Say

It's 2020, where change is inevitable and norms are not only questioned, but challenged.


We live in a world where it's become customary to push boundaries, break rules, and question standards upheld by society. Though try as we might, some of these standards are harder to conquer than others — body image is one of the top contenders.

For years, the body positivity movement has pushed for the acceptance of all marginalized body types not represented or celebrated in the media. Recently, we've gotten better at appreciating and accepting all body types, but one thing that's still lingering is the stigma of body image in the fashion industry — more specifically, the term "plus-size."

Keep Reading... Show less

Many popular TV shows are holding off premiers until spring, so most people are relying on their television subscriptions to get them through a socially distant fall semester.

Thankfully, Netflix was busy filming this past year because there is a ton of new original content coming in the near future. From mysteries to romances, here are some of the best new shows you have to check out this year:

Keep Reading... Show less

Taylor Swift Sang 'betty' At The ACMs And It Was The Perfect First Live 'folklore' Performance

I guarantee that Inez is spreading rumors about how fire this performance was.


The Academy of Country Music Awards were last night and the performances were wonderful, but Taylor Swift's live version of "betty" from her newest album "folklore" really took the cake for me.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

9 Reasons I Unfollowed All The Fitness Influencers On My Instagram Feed

I don't need to feel bad about myself because of who I follow on social media.


Throughout quarantine, something that a lot of us picked up on was working out. With all the free time, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to work on that "dream bod" you've been wanting for years, or to just feel good about yourself.

A common way to stay motivated and keep yourself on-task is to follow fitness influencers on various platforms. For some people, yes, this can be a healthy and helpful way to keep your drive. In other cases, however, this can do more harm than good.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments