In light of Barack Obama’s recent op-ed piece on gun control, I decided to speculate on what other famous figures would write on the subject. Ever wonder what Hercules, Achilles, Jesus Christ, and Harry Potter would write in their front page article of The New York Times? Well here is what I assume that several famous, and infamous, figures would write in the same situation.
Hercules, a man and mythological hero that we all know and love. Famous for his twelve trials, Hercules would have loved a gun to help him out with any one of those. Or maybe even to shoot the corrupt king who forced him to do all those absurd superhuman labors in the first place. Position: anti gun control.
Achilles, perhaps the most famous mythological warrior considering he has a body part named after him, is considered to be the best warrior in history. So he would love guns, right? Wrong! Achilles preferred to fight face-to-face fighting for honor rather than being sniped in the back of the ankle and slowly bleeding out like he did. Position: pro gun control.
Van Gogh, a well-known artist who is considered one of the most talented men in history. A patron of the arts such as this would hate guns due to the violence they cause right? Think again, Van Gogh is also famous for cutting off his own ear and I think that would be a lot less painful if he was able to shoot it off with his personal sidearm purchased at the local Walmart. Position: anti gun control.
Abraham Lincoln, a hall of fame president for sure, credits his fame to the Union success over the Confederacy because they have more of what? You guessed it, guns! Unfortunately for him, this view is heavily trumped by the fact that he was shot in the head. Position: pro gun control.
Rosa Parks, famous for being a very independent thinking woman with the strength to say no when no one else would, is a very progressive thinker. With this in mind, most would assume she would take the progressive position on the matter and be pro gun control, but do you have any idea how much easier it would have been to keep her seat on the bus if she was holding a glock? Position: anti gun control.
Plato, famous for denying the reality of the material world, can be cited claiming that possessions are actually all in our minds. This leads me to be confused and not able to assume what he was ever thinking. Position: not sure.
Karl Marx, famous for his idealist communist philosophy, is considered so forward thinking that the world is actually not ready for his designed political structure. Position: anti gun control, but only if everyone could share the guns.
Ulysses S. Grant, a Union civil war general famous for losing the war in every strategic aspect possible, but only winning due to his superior resources, is not capable of holding an opinion of any value. Simply, he doesn’t understand his own policy. Position: not sure.
Gangues Kahn, the original gangster, play boy, and dictator that took over most of Asia with his army of horsemen, is said to have impregnated more women than any other man in history. Guns would make his political ambitions much easier, but it is very clear his true passion was in the bedroom, not the battlefield. Since guns could never please him the way women did his stance is clear. Position: pro gun control.
Sigmund Freud, famous for his theories in psychology that every decision is consciously or subconsciously motivated by the thought of sex, is a hard one to pin point. Maybe he liked guns because they are phallic? Position: anti gun control.
Charles Dickens position is clear considering he is one of the clearest and most concise writers of all time. I believe his article would begin something along these lines of, “Guns are used in the best of times and the worst of times.” Wait that is not clear at all, or concise. Position: unknown.
Socrates, the original philosopher who taught Plato everything he knows, is so smart that he never had time to write any of his thoughts down. The only record we have of him is from Plato. Position: agrees with Plato.
Howard Taft, the inspiration for the brand “help I have fallen and can’t get up,” is famous for being the only president in the history of the United States to be so fat that he got stuck in The White House tub. Position: could never decide from the inside of his bathtub.
Thomas Edison is famous for inventing electricity and being criminally insane. Position: anti gun control, but very pro laser tag.
Harry Potter, hall of fame wizard, ultimate mama’s boy, and self-proclaimed savior of the world, is famous for killing the evil Voldemort. It took him seven books to do it with a wand, but I bet it would have gone a lot easier if he had easy access to an assault rifle. Position: anti gun control.
Jay Gatsby, a new school playboy who can be compared to Dan Bilzerian, has more money than he knows what to do with so why not buy guns, and throw crazy parties? Position: anti gun control.
Wayne LaPierre, probably the least famous person on this list because his greatest accomplishment is being a New York Yankees fan while they have won several world series. On a side note, he is also the CEO of the NRA who makes an annual salary of $972,000 for his noble position. Safe to say he is in it for the cause and not the money. Position: wavering.
So there it is. My opinions on what some of the most influential people of all time would write about gun control.
