They always say love all the parts of yourself. They always say you have to accept your imperfections and flaws. They say, "How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't even love yourself?"
But what if you want to love all of yourself? What if you are there, loving, but all your flaws and imperfections aren't letting you love them? What if they all gang up on you and say they want to stay imperfect? They annoy you and tell you that yes, you are imperfect. And you are unlovable. And you always will be.
What do you do then?
This Monster
The monster is sleeping.
She always leaves me alone in the afternoon.
When I have stuff to do.
Music to croon me and swoon me
Into a trance that everything's good.
So good.
This monster is scary.
She knows me too well even now.
When I seem to keep losing myself.
Slipping through the cracks of my core
My heart is getting so sore
From carrying everything
Being my backbone
In times when I don't think
I'm coming back.
My heart even knowing this monster,
Has given up hard in these attacks.
Yet this monster was weeping…
Late, late last night.
She holds my doubts and my fears
Brings news to my ears
That I am never enough
For the moment
That you want.
I am not what you want.
No one can want me.
Not when I have a monster
Who knows this.
I look at you.
I look hard.
Every inch of you,
I'd get to know.
Without judgment or commotion.
I want to know everything.
I want you to be open,
So, I can fill you with my love
And my passion
My devotion.
I think the more I love
The more I will grow
And the monster will die
Being pricked by this rose.
But you don't seem to want the same.
You don't care to know me, the same.
I have so much about me,
So much to me,
Sometimes I get overwhelmed.
It's so easy for me
To think I'm not wanted.
This monster makes sure this keeps still.
I need you to remind me.
How much that you want me,
Otherwise..
This monster…
She goes in for the kill.
I want to stop feeding this monster.
I want her to leave me alone.
I want to tell her I'm good enough
For the moment, for each and every
Life glory.
I want to fight her with confidence
I want to tell her I'm worthy.
That her words won't break my bones.
I want to tell her I'm sorry,
That she ever felt the reason
To hate me,
To turn my spirit to stone.
Though….
I must say…
I know who it is that let her
Have all these reasons to hate me.
I know who it is that keeps her alive.
I know who it is that must scorn me.
I know the culprit
behind the computer.
I know the true monster is buried inside.
I know the heart keeps on trying,
But her voice was silenced, she died.
I don't know the day I will tackle her.
The day I will slay her with myself.
I don't know why I look at you,
And feel like you want somebody else.
When I do know that I am dripping in sweetness.
In words that like flowers have stems.
I see the world every day through the lens of a poet
And these poems, they write for themselves.
This monster will visit me later.
She'll tell me that I am insane.
She'll tell me I am the reason
That my heart's lungs gasp in their pain.
She'll tell me I have nothing to do,
I have nothing to say that can stop her.
She'll tell me her knives are the truth.
And I, my soul, has no weapons.
So, there's nothing I'll do when she cuts me
When I'll bleed and break and I'll shatter.
She'll tell me she'll keep me awake though.
So that I don't dare to see dreams.
She'll tell me that being a human
Is about feeling and screaming
About reeling and dying
She knows what all of it means.
But I know something
This monster won't know,
And that's that I am aware…
Of pain, suffering, doubt and the fear
That this monster will always be here.
And because I'm aware, one day I will
Break her,
With the light of a girl who's not scared.
Who's not scared to love
This monster inside,
That knew no love for herself.
I will love her and love her
And never stop loving
And soon,
She'll stop crying
And she will love me, herself…
Soon, there won't be a monster.
There'll be me and I'll love myself