This piece is on the heavy side, and also rather short. it will mostly be about my mental health issues and how I personified it in a way to give a narrative approach. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression reach out to them, happy reading.
I struggle to breathe
As my body begins to shake and scream as the cold feeling of ghosts ensnare me. There is nothing but black that has swallowed the whole room, as my eyes searched through to find the disturbance. " my dear what troubles you, please come back to bed,
"No I can't I have to get up, there is something that has to be done"
" and what is that, what can the world promise you that I can not my love"
" the world hates you, you don't owe it anything, please come back to bed you're tired
" you're right, I shouldn't there is nothing out there for me, I'm so tired,
" that's good please stay here and no harm will come"
I listen to the voice of my lover, the same one who has been with me since I was nine years old. I allow her smooth cold arms to embrace my head, as I lay there, I allow my soul to sink into the bed, and watch as the steady stream of tears flow down my face, and feel the rough break of skin that has adorned my arms.
For those arms that wrapped around me
That November night, was not my lover. I was alone that night. That embrace was that of my belt, that I used to hang myself because I wanted to die. Since the age of nine, I have been filled with rage, loneliness, fear. However, I felt nothing just as much. I attempted to kill myself three times in my life. I felt so sad, hopeless, and angry towards myself. I locked my feelings behind closed doors so that I could continue to survive and helo those around me.
But the voices were like banshees.
They screamed and yelled their messages to me of how I have to die, I have to hate myself, and I gave them that power to poison my mind. It made it hard to talk to someone, not to mention the circumstances of my life did not make things easier.
But I will try, try to find a way to live instead of surviving.
Because even though the voices still haunt me and wage a war against me, I can not give up. Because I want my little sister to grow up and experience life, I want to be with my friends as we graduate from college. I want to go on hiking trips with my best friend. I want to say to the kids struggling with mental health issues, that I care about them, and I want to see them live, live a life that makes them whole.
