I don't remember exactly when I lost myself. I just remember going back to school junior year and things being different. I don't remember exactly when I stopped telling people I loved Jesus. I just remember it getting easier to cuss in front of other people. I don't remember when my favorite bands weren't enough anymore. I just remember listening to music with explicit stickers on it because it was the only music I enjoyed. I don't remember when I began to self-destruct. I just remember hating myself more than I have ever hated anything on this planet. I don't remember when I turned my back on the people I care about. I just remember all the attention I gave to people who didn't deserve it. I remember all of the times I got caught and that awful feeling that came with it. I remember the feelings of terror when she was late that month, and pleading with a God I felt so far from. I remember nights on Jon's porch, watching my life go up in cigarette smoke. I remember not being able to think, because as soon as I did I would start to feel like I was drowning again. I remember when the nightmares weren't as bad, because they provided brief escapes from reality. I remember hurting myself. I remember hurting everyone else just as much. I remember hopelessness.
I remember my breaking point.
I remember when I stopped running from God.
And even now, months later when I'm on my way to a life of ministry with a love for God and the people He has placed in my life like never before, I still feel it. I still remember. I feel like an outsider to these people. Like, how can I be this leader when I'm still not over everything I've done. But that's where Jesus comes in.
Romans 3:23-24 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." Do you get what that means?? It means that 1. Everyone has sinned so you are not alone, and 2. You are justified by His grace!! It does not matter who you are or what you have done, you have been given the gift of grace! You can never do enough to make God stop loving you. Ever. He's just that cool. And when He forgives you, everything just kinda has a way of working itself out. I have been saved by grace, therefore my former self no longer matters. My former self is irrelevant. Isn't that a beautiful thing? I don't know how you got here or why you are here, but if you find yourself somewhere in here, just remember it's not over yet. Jesus saves. And no matter how awful you think you are, you can never do too much to be forgiven. Remember that in your struggles friend. And don't hate yourself for the things you do, please. You were made too perfectly by God to hate yourself. You were made in His image. And finally, don't be afraid to reach out. I promise you will eventually find at least one person who cares. God will give you that person. And trust me you need them. Don't feel selfish for not being okay. Everything will be okay, friend. Jesus loves you.
