Recently, I came across an older Odyssey article which told readers that boyfriends do not deserve “husband privileges.” At first, I didn't quite understand what "husband privileges" were, but I soon gathered from her unintelligible 300-word tirade that it's basically when someone chooses their boyfriend over everything else and vice versa.
My initial thought was that “husband privileges” are when your spouse takes precedence in certain situations, but your boyfriend wouldn’t get the same privilege in the same situation. (Maybe this was the author’s intention, but she just didn’t develop the idea enough. Shrugs.)
Two summers ago, my boyfriend’s father was having some health issues, and his mom had to stay with him at the hospital. Being an only child, my boyfriend didn’t want to spend the night worrying alone at his house. So I told my parents I was staying the night with Doug, and the only questions raised were about his father’s status. No arguments, no problems. They dated in high school, and are still married to this day, so I don't think they give a hoot about husband privileges.
On the flipside, someone who believes boyfriends do not get husband privileges might argue that since Doug is not my husband and it was not my father-in-law in the hospital, I have zero obligation to spend the night.
Prioritizing one person over another or not doing something just because of someone's status in your life is plain stupid. I love my boyfriend. I love his family. I love my friends. I would do anything for them, but I still know how to balance it all. "He's still just your boyfriend" doesn't cut it as a good reason to leave him hanging. For anything.
If Doug asks me at 2:30 PM to hang out tonight and my best friend Caroline texts me at 3:00 PM also asking to hang out, I'm going to hang out with Doug.
Why?
Because he texted me first! It has nothing to do with husband privileges. How would I determine when my best friend receives her full "best friend privileges?" Is there a wait time? Do I need to propose? Is there a ceremony? Ha!
If Doug's father is having health problems, I will do what I can for him and his family. Why? Because it's the right thing to do! Just because he's "just my boyfriend" does not mean he should get pushed off for better things. And doing this kind of thing doesn't mean I'm neglecting my friends and only giving time to Doug.
News flash, Becky, even husbands don't get your 100% undivided attention.
They shouldn't. They can't. Truly, that notion just doesn't make any sense. It’s impossible. And as a grown woman, you need to learn how to balance life, school, work, friends, significant others, etc. Now, I'm not the best at time management and living a balanced life, but I can at least figure out how to give equal time to everyone.
If you can’t figure out how to have “you time” or girls’ nights out while living with your boyfriend (or even while being in a relationship), that’s an entirely different issue and it has nothing to do with your boyfriend. If everyone put their significant other above all else, how would they go to work?
How could they get any work done? When would you eat?! How would anyone care for a family when you do have a husband?! "Sorry, infantile offspring of mine, I can't feed you, Chad has husband privileges!" Clearly, I’m exaggerating, but the point still stands.
So what if I put Doug above other things every so often? Why does that matter to you?
I understand the concept of not giving him ALL of my time, but holy cow, why can’t I make dinner with him one night and have a movie night with my best friends the next?
Or better yet: why can't he hang out with me and my friends occasionally? They all get along and genuinely enjoy hanging out with one another, so it's not an issue for any of us. And no, I don't sit here and say "I spent three hours with Doug yesterday, but only two with Amber and Sara, when can I squeeze them in?" I just go with the flow. It almost happens naturally.
The way our relationship has developed, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with Doug. We talk about it all the time; he tells me he’s in it for the long run. We talk careers, we talk marriage, we talk weddings, we talk houses, we even talk baby names.
You may say I'm naive or foolish to talk about such things so early on, but I've been through way too much and I have way too many crappy exes to not know what I want and what I need. If I want to spend my life with him, why shouldn’t I treat him and his family like I am already in the family?
Not doing so would just show them I don’t give a damn about them and never will, which is not the case. Doug, his family, my family, and my closest friends will be in my life forever; I must know how to maintain balance and prioritize properly.
According to my dear friend Merriam-Webster, a privilege “is a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor.” Or according to my parents: they’re called privileges because you earn them, like using the car on the weekends. So, my boyfriend can have whatever privileges I give him.
Maybe your boyfriend hasn’t earned them, Megan, but mine has.
Maybe your weak rant is a sign you need to reevaluate your relationship and stop critiquing the relationships of others, but you do you, boo.
