I used to think that defying stereotypes was easy and all you had to do was show your individuality to the world and *poof* you would be free from whatever oppressive box society put you in. That sounds false, right? That's because it is. The truth is, even if you defy every stereotype of your gender, race, ethnicity, etc. in every way you can, a few ignorant people will still try to make you seem like no more than a caricature. One of the stereotypes I am very conscious of is that of the "angry black woman" and it was only recently that I realized how much the fear of representing that stereotype had ruled me over the last four years.
In middle school, I attended a school that in which students were generally black American or Latino. It was high energy, and one thing for sure was that if someone didn't like the way you were talking to them, you would know about it. Everything was real, not perfect, but you knew exactly where you stood with people and I liked that because it was direct. If students got along it was great, but if they didn't then there would be conflict and they would then get over it pretty quickly. My experience in high school was a completely different beast altogether. Most of the people in my high school had known each other since elementary school so that plus the fact that I was a minority made things interesting. Some people had an easier time blending in because, without going too much into things, they fit in with the majority's "type." Not to sound too cliché, but I was never the kind of person who fit in with the crowd, so I didn't think much of being treated like I was invisible at first.
After some time, I started to police my language because I was confused as to how some people were effortlessly accepted into the social groups. I also understood that, unlike in my previous school, conflicts were not usually dealt with openly but played out in numerous instances of passive aggression or nonchalance which I had a hard time accepting. I became passive and quiet in a way that was unnatural and uncomfortable for me in order to be accepted and when something upset me I would try to react by showing any emotion but anger. In my mind, I could not afford to be an angry black girl because it would further alienate me from a community that didn't understand me and didn't try to. By putting on a facade of the constantly agreeable black girl, I did not improve my social standing, but instead was stuck playing the role of a bland, one-dimensional character throughout high school. Despite my best efforts, I ended up being the angry black girl due to frustration, not with my environment, but with myself.
Most of my social relationships in high school were very shallow, and that was because I tried to hide who I was so that people didn't misinterpret me. I also realized that another part of the issue was that I was trying to force myself to assimilate into the groups that, in retrospect, I didn't even really care about, I was just lost and didn't know how much powerful I could be if I stood on my own. Since starting college, I have found that I am more authentic than ever before and I love it. I am happier and more compassionate than I had been previously because I don't hesitate to show who I am to the world anymore. I disagree openly, I share my opinions even if they are unpopular, and I stop self-suffocating. The stereotypes against me don't stifle my progress. If me standing up for myself in a way that is dignified is interpreted as me being an angry black woman, then so be it.
