I always found the phrase “I want to kill myself" to be a little ill fitting. Not for the callousness of the phrase, but for the innacurate vernacular. You see, I've felt quite dead inside for a while now despite the strong beating of my healthy 24 year old heart. So the phrase “kill myself" doesn't seem to fit the bill for me personally. Personally, if I had to choose a phrase for how I feel most days it would be this: “my feelings of hopelessness, despair, and constant self-loathing became too much to bear."

For those of you who don't know, I have Obsessive Complusive Disorder (OCD). With the mention of the disorder, what probably comes to mind for most of you is probably excessive cleanliness, tidiness, checking things constantly, probably the popular TV Show Monk. And while all of those things can be a form of OCD, I'm here to tell you, I'm the messiest OCD person you're likely to meet! OCD is a lot more than just those classic compulsions. OCD is a disorder of obsessions and compulsions. The compulsions are used to temporarily satiate the obsession, like if an obsession is an itch and the compulsion is to scratch. Compulsions can come in many forms that aren't as common, like asking for reassurance when your obsessions tell you things like “you're a bad person", “you don't have OCD you're a sociopath", “if you don't wash your hands you'll bring home germs and infect your family and it will be all your fault", “is the door locked? Yes it is, I know I locked it I remember locking it. But what if I didn't lock it all the way and an intruder comes in to kill me and my dog?", thinking you can't ever have children because what if something happens to them and it's all your fault". As you can see, it's exhausting. Picture that running through your mind from the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, and that's what I experience most days. And most days, it’s so overwhelming I wish it would just stop. And when it doesn’t, I want to make it stop. But I have far too much anxiety about death to ever end my life, so I sit on a really weird plane of existence. :)

It's been a very lonely journey dealing with these thoughts for the most part. I can remember quite vividly one day when I was in 1st grade, standing in my dining room with my mother bawling my eyes out because I was too scared to go on a field trip without her. My mother would always say to me “Abbey just tell me what's bothering you, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's bothering you". It was always so frustrating to me growing up because most times I wasn't sure what it was exactly that was making me feel that way, or I didn't want to say it out loud cause I knew it was silly and I knew the thoughts I had made no sense. Thankfully my mom had a knack for helping me through those times without needing me to explain, she always knew what bothered me most and talked me through what to do if x, y, and z happened. But now, the longer I've had to deal with stuff like this the less likely I want to have to talk about them and explain them over and over again because, as you can probably see, OCD stuff is constant and is awfully repetitive even when you develop immaculate coping skills and take medication to give you that leg up.

Here's where I get to the dilemma of wanting to kill myself and not knowing how to tell people that for fear of being locked away in a hospital, looked at differently, or having others lose faith in me as a person. Do I really want to die or am I just tired? Is this really it for me or am I just overwhelmed? For me, the answer changes daily. And I've gotten pretty good at telling myself “tomorrow I might feel better, don't bother telling anyone and making them worry". But sometimes, I worry about myself. What if I feel like I want to die, and it lasts for days, weeks, months? How do you tell someone that you've been feeling like that for so long? They'll feel hurt you did not tell them sooner and make you feel even more guilty than you already are, or they'll doubt you and say “if you've felt like this for so long, why haven't you done it yet?", or sometimes they'll offer for you to talk to them whenever you need to even though it took so much effort to just tell them that one thing because of how afraid you are of the response. Sometimes I can't bring myself to tell someone how I feel because it's so overwhelming for me and I don't want to pass that off to someone else. Carrying something like that and getting that quintessential “come to me whenever you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you" is like someone carrying a heavy box and someone saying “just put it anywhere!" In your head you're saying “put it anywhere? Where the fuck do I put it? Anywhere is so broad, I don't need that right now just tell me where the fuck you want this box. Just tell me what to do please, I need help finding somewhere to put this so I know I put it somewhere that is okay to have it there".

This post isn’t to vent about my problems, I’m merely using myself as an example to hopefully shed some light into the mind of someone who feels this way and for others to better help individuals who share my feelings. Many people have different experiences and different preferences what is helpful to them. But please for the love of God... Stop telling people who are depressed, anxious, suicidal, etc. to come to you whenever they need you. Please just come to them with open minds and more importantly open arms. It’s so frustrating when I see the reporting of a suicide and people saying “check in on your friends” because they never do. Some of you are battling your own struggles, to which I think you also deserve to be checked in on and reminded how strong and cared about you are. But please just remember that the only way to help someone suffering in silence is to break the stigma and have an open conversation with people with real emotions and real genuine support and care for them. It is excutiating enough for us to deal with it ourselves, and for reasons of guilt, fear of response, lack of ability to put how we feel into words, or even the fear of an overbearing response.

So, I don’t know how you tell someone that you don’t feel like being here right now, but I do know that when they tell you that... all they want is a reason to feel like staying. Please just give them something to remind them why they should stay. And if you need some tips on how to do that, you should ask my mom! :D