It's been said that humans are social creatures; that we depend on each other from in the womb and then all through out life, until the end of it. Humans gravitate to each other and science and history support that we thrive in community as opposed to surviving on our own. That being said, most of us have had our fair share of community-friendships in particular. You've seen the ins and outs of having friends, the good and the bad and it's time to try something new. but year-after-year you find yourself in the same unfortunate circumstance: you find yourself in great new friendships and you can't even remember how they started.
Minimize Physical Movement
Humans, much like Tyrannosaurus rexes, are drawn to movement. If you find yourself in an environment where other people are around, remain very still (See cover photo), do not make any sudden movements and slow your breathing to about 5.5 breaths per minute. The typical respiratory rate for a healthy adult at rest is 12–20 breaths per minute (Wikipedia.com), and especially do not make any sounds.
Ignore All Digital Messages
(This is especially beneficial for you if you already suffer greatly with having too many nice friends). When not together, humans have a tendency to rely on digital mediums to locate and connect with one another. Do NOT respond -especially to unreasonably fun invitations such as parties, social gatherings and other enjoyable events. Not responding will reduce the chances of future unwelcomed invitations and will generally repel humans farther away from you, digitally.
Avoid Eating In Sight
People see meals as an opportunity for fellowship. If you are spotted eating, a human may inquire upon what it is you are eating, where you acquired such delectable food, and how much you are willing to “share”. Do not risk eating in front of other humans. As far as they know, you are a lean mean lone wolf machine and seclusion is your fuel.
Additionally,
If you make the unfortunate mistake of dining at a well-desired restaurant, your chance of exposure to friendship may increase by the hundreds. It is strongly suggested that you avoid any foods that taste good all together.
Avoid Eye Contact
Be on the alert for warm and inviting eye contact followed by unforeseen smiles. This is a humans #1 choice of weaponry to instigate friendship. Do not reciprocate. Rather, always keep a pocket-sized mirror on hand to pop up directly in front of your face to deflect all on-coming smiles and unpleasantly polite facial gestures back to its source and never reply to spontaneous friendly greetings.
Finally,
Social networking sites are dangerous places for you. Restrict social networking use to after 3:00am and before 6:00am on Sunday mornings. Never post anything even remotely intriguing that will expose you to the risk of receiving “likes” or “comments” as many friendships have been started and strengthened this way. Furthermore, only accept and give out “friend requests” to people of your identical first and last name so as to (hopefully) reduce chances of running into these people in real life.
(Note: If by some logical error you would like to make friends, follow the exact opposite of these instructions.)
P.S.
I hope you had a chuckle from this list and I genuinely hope you do not follow anything on here because people are awesome and it’s great to make new friends!
