Hello, everyone, it’s Fisty McFuckins back again with a grade A shitpost. I’m not even trying to thinly veil my lack of originality anymore. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Boy howdy, I sure do love this beef, but what if we jazzed that shit up with some wellington?” This is a recipe and tutorial for beef wellington, a distant cousin to the dish barf schwellington.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED
A little bit of beef in my life
A little bit of wellington by my side
So, you’re gonna start off by preheating your oven to 420 degrees fahrenheit, the dankest of temperatures. Make sure it’s a gas oven too, or else the fumes won’t kill you and honestly, who really enjoys living anymore?
After you preheat the oven, you’re gonna wanna take some beef, and I don’t mean that chopped up dollar store shit. I want you to take an actual cow and murder that shit with your bare hands, you entitled fuck. Anyway, just take a big old slab of carcass and dunk that shit in some marinade. Mesquite? What are you, some kind of backwoods hick with no teeth? We do things classy around these parts, so marinate your beef in straight white whine. Actually, skip the edibility and marinate it in pure isopropyl rubbing alcohol, that’s two deaths for the price of one.
Beef wellington is in some kind of doughey thing, right? It’s like a Hot Pocket, but for French people. I don’t know where beef wellington is from, I just heard Gordon Ramsay mention it a few times. So for that doughey shit, because we all know you’re poor, just toss some Wonder bread on a table and pound it flat. The best thing about this part is that it’s bread, so you don’t need consent. I guess white bread’s not the exact color we’re looking for, so pour some olive oil on that shit. It’s basically just fancy butter.
After all of that, you’re gonna wrap your horribly acidic beef chunk in the oil bread and slap that fucker in the microwave for six minutes. Once it’s done, you should probably throw it out along with any food item that doesn’t come with instructions, you dysfunctionally dependent man-child. Serve with a side of bleach.
