Recent projections for climate change are not hopeful. Coastal flooding, drought, famine, and extinction are just a few of the possible results from global warming that could occur in the next 50 years. Fittingly, the best solution for reversing climate change may be a species that is almost extinct itself: the equatorial fedora. There are very few of these energetic and fedorable creatures left in the wild, the rest living in manmade enclosures for the viewing pleasure of jeering homo sapiens. As is the case so often, our hubris leads us to believe that these majestic creatures exist for the sole pleasure of adorning the human body. Since we already believe that they exist for our utility alone, we might as well use them again to save our planet and thus our species.
The Netherlands, birthplace of Vincent van Gogh, owes a large part of its existence to the construction of dikes, structures built to regulate water levels. Some have suggested that the creation of dikes, also known as levees, could save regions of coastline that will inevitably be inundated. Much to the chagrin of concrete distributers, fedoras are a much cheaper construction material. Felt, leather and denim normally have different pricings, but when each of these are constituents of currently unpopular hats, they are dirt cheap. Goodbye Florida, hello Fledora.
If we desire to repair the roots of our climate conundrum, we have to go beyond building walls. We have to face the glaring truth: overpopulation is the biggest threat to the continued existence of our species. And to reverse overpopulation, we need to put away our bucket hats and start sporting a more sinister adornment, an adornment that not only reflects UV rays back into the cosmos but also repels potential mates.
I don’t believe the fedora to be unattractive in the slightest, but the rowdy bunch of subversives known as millennials turned the seductive image of this headwear staple on its head…and what a shame it is. The fedora used to represent the ideal male power fantasy. Many used to associate the fedora with notorious mobsters like John Dillinger, star of Pirates of the Caribbean. Today, this hat is evocative of men who spend every waking hour online. But let us turn away from this nostalgic lament and discuss a final solution afforded to us by this mythical headpiece.
Deforestation leads to an increase in atmospheric carbon and an increase in atmospheric carbon leads to global warming. For those of you who don’t understand science, the previous sentence basically says that we need more trees. Where better to plant trees than the least fashionable place possible? The tender underbelly of the fedora is the most nurturing environment an itty bitty seed could ask for.
Those are my three solutions, and three is a big number. You’re welcome. In all honesty, our species and planet is probably doomed, but the mental image of a tiny tree growing in a fedora makes me smile. Thus, I march toward the desolation of a post-human world with a little solace.
