The idea of living in Los Angeles brings a variety of images to an outsider’s mind about what it must be like for us. An Arkansan may think there’s a palm tree in every yard. An Arizonian may think we worship the Hollywood sign. A South Dakotan would likely believe that everyone settles their disputes in the Staples Center. But one stereotype about LA that persists more than any other is the belief that we are constantly surrounded by celebrities. And, much like the Hollywood sign worship, it is entirely true. It’s not surprising to rear end a car on the 405 and find the driver of the car you totaled was Kobe Bryant. It’s just another Tuesday when you hear someone choking on a meatball at your favorite Italian restaurant to find that it’s Bradley Cooper’s stunt double.
However despite always having celebrities around us, many of us don’t know how to react when we see one. I’m an expert on this topic, as I envision what it would be like to meet a celebrity every night before I go to sleep. Here are some etiquette tips to make sure your celebrity experience is A-list:
1. When you see a celebrity, hold out both of your hands in plain sight and yell, “I am not the paparazzi!”
One of the worst things celebrities have to deal with is constant harassment by paparazzi who try to exploit personal details of their lives. So, if a celebrity thinks they’re being approached by a paparazzi, they’re going to get themselves as far away as possible, fast. For most of the 20th century, paparazzi were easy to spot because of their thick green skin and long, pointed noses, but they’ve recently adapted in the modern age to look much like you and me. So do your celebrity a favor and clarify that you’re not a camera-wielding paparazzi.
2. When you’re talking to the celebrity, make sure you tell them about something you really disliked that they’ve done in their career at some point in the conversation.
Celebrities are tired of getting bombarded with fans persistently praising them for everything they’ve ever done. Too much love and adoration can make a celebrity feel like more of an ideal instead of a real person with real flaws. So it’s common courtesy to make them feel comfortable by insulting at least one thing they’ve done. If you see Adele, tell her that if you had heard “Set Fire to the Rain” on the radio one more time in 2011, you were going to melt every radio you owned into an amorphous black liquid and pour it down your sink. She’ll be flattered by your respect.
3. If you take a picture with a celebrity that you intend to post on Instagram, tell them upfront what filter you are planning on using.
It’s obvious if you’re going to meet a celebrity that you’re going to post a picture of it. If social media is just a vehicle for presenting yourself as more impressive than you actually are, then a selfie with Drake Bell drinking boba is the golden ticket. But if you’re going to take a picture with them, make sure they know what filter you plan on using. If a celebrity is nice enough to take time out of their day to be in a photograph with you, they shouldn’t have to worry that night if your 357 followers are going to see him/her in Valencia, Lo-Fi, or, god forbid, no filter.
4. Give them a sample of something you’ve created...it’s your only chance.
A big mistake people make when meeting a celebrity is that they simply say hi, tell them how much they respect them, take a photo, thank them, then leave. This is like dying of thirst in the Sahara, approaching a full Brita water filter, telling the filter that you respect it, taking a photo of it, then leaving. Celebrities are your opportunity to make it big. If you see John Krasinski, you’d better give him that script of the prequel you wrote of The Office you call The Internship. If you see Kendrick Lamar, don’t you dare waste the opportunity to hand him your mixtape. They’ll respect you for it.
5. Offer them and their loved ones front row seats to a Laker’s game, a backstage pass to a sold out show, or an opportunity to see a world premiere.
Celebrities are probably tired of handing out gifts to people. I know for a fact, based on my thought process, that Jack Nicholson for once wants someone to offer him an opportunity to see the world premiere of one of his movies. They never get this from fans. Celebrities are always the givers and never the takers. Be the change you want to see in the world and offer celebrities something they’ve always given us.
6. Offer them some bail money!
It’s no secret that there are too many celebrities in jail. The rich and famous are far too often jailed unjustly, and it’s a damn shame. What harm does going 95 on the wrong side of the freeway while heavily intoxicated really do? If you see a celebrity, they’re often on parole, just got released from jail, or, in the case of many, about to be jailed. Offering them a few dollars out of pocket to help with their bail is a huge gesture. It says, “you make movies/music/the ball go into the goal/my dreams more interesting, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice the opportunity to buy your third car just to get out of jail.” Show that you care.
