"Stay strong!"

You might think you're encouraging them to overcome their difficulties, but in reality, you are invalidating their natural (and necessary) emotional response to grief. This one usually comes in the form of texts, social media posts, and comments. And it is the last thing your friend needs.

"Thoughts and prayers!"

I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but be cognizant and respectful of the griever's personal beliefs before you go around saying this. Again, you might be saying it with pure intentions and genuine belief and prayer, but they might not appreciate that for a variety of reasons. In fact, you might just end up offending them. Remember- it's not about you, it's about them.

"We're always here for you!"

Disclaimer: I think this one is actually okay, but only if you ACTUALLY follow up on it. In the midst of grief and tragedy, the last thing someone needs is a sense of false hope. Out of countless people who said something along the lines of "I'll always be here for you", only a handful actually came to see me or showed any sort of intention to follow through on their promise. Also, please don't say/text this if you have only talked to this person once in your life.

Okay, that's a lot of "don't"s.... so what should I do?

I'm glad you asked! Here are some things to know about grief-

1) Being sad is OKAY, but everyone needs to come into and out of it in their own time. That means you shouldn't rush them into grief (how come you don't seem sad?), and you shouldn't rush them out of it (dude you've been moping for days!).

It's simple, really. All you need to do is respect them. If they haven't fully come to terms with their loss yet, don't push it in their face. Sometimes they will just want a friend to laugh and hang out with them. If they're in the middle of grieving and don't want to hang out, don't force yourself into their life. Sometimes they just need alone time. In the end, you are there to SUPPORT them, not grieve for them.

2) People in grief are difficult. One day, they might want attention and support in-person, but be too shy to say anything about it. Another day, they might want alone time to come to terms, cope, and remember their loved one. So what can you do?

Be patient. Initiate the communication, but don't overwhelm them. Ask questions like "Hey, how are you doing today? Do you want to hang out? I can be there in a minute if you need a shoulder to cry on." And leave space for them to say no- "By the way, if I'm bothering you at all, feel free to let me know and I can definitely give you more space."

3) Let them know that it's okay to act different. Sometimes in the midst of grief, I felt pressure to act like everything was okay, and bottling that up would always hurt more. Thankfully, I had friends that I trusted enough to act differently around.

Strive to be that kind of friend- one who will tell them "It's okay to be sad, I don't expect you to be one way or another; just yourself." And if they get aggressive, or manic, or they just break down crying, you are there to support them patiently, and lovingly.