Everyone has fears. Some are worse than others, but the truth of the matter is that everyone is afraid of something. I always had fears growing up, I was afraid of the dark and afraid of roaches. None of which were irrational though. It wasn't until I was 13 when I found out that I did have a slightly irrational fear. After I lost my dad at age 13, I realized that I was afraid of losing people who I was close to.
It seemed like after my dad died that people in my life just started to die. I did not understand why I was always feeling worried, but as I have gotten older I have begun to notice that I get nervous when my mom does not pick up the phone, or sometimes if my roommate or other friends don't pick up, I start to just think the worst. It's honestly so scary, and if I am being honest, kind of annoying. These are the kind of thoughts that keep me up at night, and I have to pray to God to take these thoughts away from my head. I am not strong enough yet to completely surrender these thoughts to God.
Lately, I have been talking more about it. Talking to my friends, family, and God. Talking about how I don't want to automatically freak out when my mom doesn't answer the phone because I think something happened to her. I will never forget the one night that I tried to call my mom and she did not answer the phone. I did not know where she was. I called my grandmother panicking, "Where's mom? Have you talked to her?" my grandmother said no, not being able to hear the panic in my voice.
I ended up hanging up and calling one of my mom's friends to ask her the same question but she had a different answer. She said, "Yes, your mom is with me." I sighed with relief and instantly felt a little more relaxed. My mom got home that night and was a little frustrated with me that I had called so many people panicking. She asked me why I did that and I said with tears in my eyes, "You were not answering I thought something happened to you." It was in that moment, I knew this fear was kind of taking over.
Lately, at school, that feeling of worry has come back. Instead of letting the fear eat me alive, I have started to turn to my bible and just really try to trust God more with my life. I know that I have to trust God, everything He does He does for a reason. Me having these fears are not going to change what God does in my life. He has taken a least six people I am close to in the past seven years, and it has sucked, but I have grown.
It has made me stronger than I have ever been before. It has taught me to live each day to the fullest, and always appreciate the people that I do have in my life. I constantly struggle with trusting God but I know in order to ease this fear, I HAVE to put my trust in Him and Him only.
"Trust only in God every moment! Tell Him all your troubles and pour out your heart longings to Him" - Psalm 62:8
