“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself” –Rupi Kaur

I recently discovered this poem this summer while reading one of my new favorite poem books, “Milk and Honey” by Rupi Kaur. To say this book changed my life would be an understatement. This excerpt in particular really changed the dynamic of my summer, and the way that I would be spending it.

I used to be super content with myself. Everything from the way I looked, the company I kept, to the way I lived my life in general satisfied me, and I really never felt like I was missing anything. I’m not sure when this all switched around on me, however oddly enough I think going off to college had a lot to do with it. As twisted as it may seem, I think that it is when so many new people came into my life that I became lonelier. I was so used to the people in my life in my hometown that I had known everything about for the past 18 years. I knew who I was and I was confident in that. However, when so many new and incredible people came into my life I became more insecure and unsure of who I was. I was constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, and feeling like I needed to change who I was over and over again until I found the version of myself that I would be happy and comfortable in.

Trust me when I say, changing who you are over and over again is so incredibly natural and so okay to do. Being different versions of yourself is not being “fake”, but rather a way to find the best way that you fit into your own skin. Throughout my lifetime, I have been so many different versions of myself, and molded myself into different stereotypes and groups. Throughout my almost 20 years of living, I have been a million different people, and to me that is such a cool thing.

After reading that poem, I had such a different outlook on my life and who I am. When I realized that my loneliness did not stem from lack of people around me to complete me, but rather from the fact that I was not completely happy with who I was, it changed my life. For so long I was feeling like I was missing out because I did not have a significant other, or because my friends were terrific, but seeing other friend groups on social media made me think their dynamic was better. Not once did I think that it was the way I was seeing things that needed fixing. I lived in a constant state of incompleteness, feeling like each day held the potential to turn my whole life around by some miraculous event that would make me feel all better. I didn’t really understand the concept of time, and how long it takes to really get in touch with yourself and who you are.It is by no means something that happens overnight.

How I am today, I still struggle. There are days that I wake up and go through the entire day feeling like absolute crap because I don’t know who I am and that upsets me. I feel like three hundred different people sometimes, and nothing scares me more. As much as I have always wanted to be super in touch with who I was, and finally be one person with one identity and personality, I realized this summer that that will never happen. I am just not the type of person to take one mold. I am a million different things, and I need to learn to be okay with that. Sometimes I am the biggest obsessive-compulsive control freak I know, and I feel like the weight of everyone else’s lives is on my shoulders too. This brings me to a state of pessimism and borderline depression, because for some reason I feel the need to control every situation around me and if it all goes wrong, I am a complete wreck. Other days I wake up feeling completely on top of the world, happy to be alive and not bothered by a single thing. These are the days that I take to reading, or riding my bike, or paying closer attention to the way the sun sets. I work out more on these days, and eat only things that are good for my body. What I think I need to learn, is how to take those days and transfer them onto the days when I am feeling like crap. No matter how hard it might be to pull myself out of the slump I am in, I at least have to try.

I think that is one of the most important lessons you can learn in your life, to put yourself first. It is so important to know who you are, because if you don't know who you are you will never get where you need to go. Know who you are, and be so okay with that person. You do not need other people to complete you, only compliment you.