Ever since the end of 10th grade, I've been obsessed with understanding who I really am.
I remember hearing a proverb when I was younger about character being built through adversity. It's something I've always understood logically, but never really, really understood on an emotional level. I've been through what I'd call a personally inflicted hell, and through a depressive stage, yet they didn't seem to be enough, just a part of the process.
I don't know who I truly am in many situations. I don't mean that I change my personality, just that I don't sometimes understand what, why and how things go on in my head and have even less of an idea how they'd manifest themselves as actions in the real world.
I don't know who I truly am in a confrontation with someone I despise. I don't know who I truly am when I get too stressed, shut down and get into an emotional fog. I don't know who I truly am when I feel that someone close to me is threatened. I don't know who I truly am when I am in a relationship.
But I do know this: I am not willing to lie. At least not easily. I learned to listen to the voice in my head that gets bugged anytime I do something that goes against my core values. You know what I mean. It can be a voice, a feeling, or both.
So I want to find out what they are. I've found a couple, but it's not enough.
I think that's the key. Find your core values. Then, as life throws joy and adversity at you, you'll find out that it really doesn't matter that you don't know yourself. What matters is that you follow the values that "yourself" thinks are right.
I've gotten in a few uncomfortable situations recently, and have decided to remain truthful with both of them. For one, I am still in trouble but might come out of it soon. For the other, the other person appreciated my honesty and decided not to make a big deal of the situation.
I'm not saying that sticking to being truthful will always get me out of trouble. It won't. But what it will give me is peace of mind. And for me, that's plenty.
