At the age of twenty, I was engaged. I had a ring on my finger and my best friend and future husband by my side. Well, I didn’t know that probably a month or so later we called off the wedding and struggled to keep our relationship afloat.

By June, I was without my best friend and struggling to get my life back on track. I was broken. I didn’t know how to deal with a broken engagement and being single. Talking to other guys felt weird when my ex fiancé was sitting in the other room.

I had to relearn how to sleep alone again. Trust me, getting used to sleeping next to someone and then suddenly not sleeping next to someone was hard and it still is somedays. Seeing him every day and not having that bond drove me crazy.

After awhile and much fighting, I moved back in with my mom. We broke up for good. Then I really realized I was on my own. It was like my ex fiancé became this person who I didn’t know. It felt like a sword went through my back. I cried and cried as I tried to find words to even get a simple conversation. I told my family that this was only temporary and that things would go back to semi normal. For the longest time I convinced myself that he would come back. I kept telling myself that if I changed then he would be the person I fell in love with. We would live the happy life were supposed to.

They never went back to normal. He never came back.

I sit here writing this over a month later from the final goodbye. I actually hate telling people that I was engaged. I hate having to explain why the relationship is over and how I moved back in with my mom. I felt like afterwards that my life had taken a million steps back other than forward like I wanted them too.

I still to this day feel like I get judged by being the girl who has a broken engagement. I started to plan an entire life only to have it ripped away from my hands. He is not the only one to be blamed. I could’ve done so much better in that relationship to save it but I just couldn’t.

I now am working full time and trying to save up money to go back to college. Something that I told myself that I would do but has never gotten around to actually. I have lots of goals in my life that I am looking forward to achieving.

I am trying to find the girl before the relationship. The one who was strong and didn’t need to rely on anyone. I love the lyrics from Taylor Swift, “I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.” A broken engagement really changes you but if there is something that I have learned from all of this is don’t let it affect you forever. If I let this affect me forever than I wouldn’t be me.

I may not be over it tomorrow or maybe a month from now but someday in the future I can look back at this point in my life with a smile.