How are you doing?
The natural response to this question, at least in the United States, is a simple “good” or “fine” followed by a reciprocation of the same greeting. Usually, neither person is anything but “pretty good” these days, but to answer truthfully how we are doing in this scenario might throw your conversational partner off-guard. We have expectations when it comes to small talk, and its function is less about content and more about comfort. Like a handshake or a hug, we sometimes use small talk because we want to feel at ease speaking with someone without really saying anything.
And yet, asking somebody how they are doing is so widely accepted that we sometimes forget what it is we are actually asking. What if someone answered, “Not bad. But I’ve had this dreading feeling that I’m outgrowing my job and I’m soon to be a relic at work. I’ve spent so much time and money working to get to the position I’m in and all I feel is regret because I never see my family or friends. My mind is so overworked that I’ve become numb to my thoughts and feelings and I’m tired all the time. How are you?”
You’d probably feel anything but comfortable.
As far as I know, the “how are you” greeting is unique to the United States. I’ve had friends from other places express slight confusion about the phrase because to a non-native, it’s a much more personal question. But to have inane greetings is common among different languages, as well as different regions of the world. For instance, a common greeting in Malaysia is “Mau ke mana”, which translates to “Where are you going?” So under a linguistic microscope, asking somebody how they are doing may seem inappropriate, but it is as natural to us as any other strange greeting.
I wonder then, how do we ask how somebody is doing really? Obviously, context is important; if you were speaking to a therapist or a close friend, you’d be more direct. But with “how are you doing” having a stronger implication of being a greeting, what are the other ways we ask this question? I’ve come up with some examples below.
- How have you been feeling?
This question is more specific and narrows the question so that the response will be more direct. It can still be confusing since this is a common question from medical professionals, and might seem a little doctor-y when coming from a friend.
- Are you okay?
Asking this implies that you believe something is wrong with your conversationalist and you want to express concern. It can have many meanings, sure, but coming from someone you trust can let you know that your friend noticed a change in your behavior. Even if you respond with “I’m fine”, this question can carry a bit more weight.
- Is everything alright?
This is in the same family as “Are you okay?”, but in my opinion is a little more specific. In the way we use this phrase, we are asking about somebody’s life directly. There is less ambiguity to the kind of answer we want and is a direct way to rhetorically ask for a life story.
- Tell me what you’ve been up to!
This is a common greeting phrase that is not a question, but a command phrase that has little room for interpretation. Saying something direct like this is a very good way to get someone to open up, since you are giving them a task rather than asking them to interpret a question. It’s not without its small talk dodges, like “Oh, I’ve been busy”, but the choice is given to the responder on how to answer.
With all the nuances in our language, it’s no wonder that many people struggle to grasp what certain questions and phrases really mean. Many times, language is more about how you say it, rather than what you say. Sometimes, we don’t want to say anything, and it’s no wonder that “how are you?” is a question we barely answer when talking with strangers. But it is both strange and not strange at all, because we will continue to ask each other how we are and we will all be “fine”. And maybe one day someone will tell you exactly how they are doing, and perhaps you’ll feel inclined to listen.
