The recent events in Paris are yet another example of the cruel, unapologetic tragedies that continue to occur at a depressing frequency. Frankly, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of something horrible happening seemingly once a month. I'm also sick and tired of the fact that nothing is ever really done about it. Everything seems to have a two-week period where it can be classified as "news." After something passes through that window, it's time for something worse to come around and take its place. Fed up with this rather depressing cycle, I've decided to come up with a plan to solve at least one of the planet's problems, and that's the tension in the Middle East.
Now it's become clear to me that the traditional way of handling the complex and combustible tensions in the Middle East have not, and will not, ever work. I mean, since the beginning of recorded history, there has always been someone trying to ruin it for everyone else. All we seem to do about the problem is give speeches in suits about it, debate whether or not we're racists, and eventually, let the topic drift into month-old obscurity. Which brings me to my plan for peace. What's the plan you ask? Two words: air conditioning.
Is this generalizing? Potentially offensive? Most likely, but why not give it a try? I mean, look, it is really hot over there all the time.
Try to remember the last time you were really hot. You get sweaty, you get cranky, and just generally start behaving like a tool. Now, picture feeling that way all the time. I think our government should levy a 104 percent tax on the richest one percent of Americans and use those funds to improve the infrastructure, architecture, and most importantly, air condition the entire Middle East.
Actually, we should just freeze out the whole area. The average temperature in Syria should be -45 Kelvin...in August. No one fights when they're cold, right? Bottomless hot chocolate and Nora Roberts' novels are more effective than gerrymandering and drones.
We might as well just start forcing local Syrian radio stations to start playing Christmas music in October. What could go wrong? There's clearly a way to handle the problem and it's just our job to figure it what exactly it is.
My stab at the solution is air conditioning, but I've been wrong before. The solution could be something as simple as hot chocolate and some "Mall Santas," but who knows? I think we owe it to ourselves and every human being on this planet to at least try something new.
