Breaking news! This just in! Elves-On-Shelves, generic Great Value elves and even those priceless porcelain elves your grandmother left you with her last dying breath even though you repeatedly told her that you'd rather have the piano are all secretly being moved by one homeless guy.

Every so often our paper gets emails and letters about some mysterious figure that moves decorative elves around and puts them in wacky poses, but up until yesterday, we dismissed these as teenagers with too much time on their hands. However, last night, one of our staff writers noticed something move in the corner of his eye when he went to go put up Christmas decorations late at night. Upon further investigation, our writer found a man crouching and setting up a scene in which two elves were duking it out over a cookie. When our writer asked what he was doing, the man simply grinned and said "Mind if I stay the night?" Obviously our writer said no and proceeded to question the man about what in hell was going on.

Our Writer: "Wait so who exactly are you?"

Creepy Guy: "Oh I'm just the dude that moves your elves around while you sleep. Did you think that happened magically? Someone has to do the heavy lifting around here."

OW: "Ok but...I never asked for this?"

CG: "You may not have but you've come to expect it because your parents and I have perpetuated the idea that elves can move and walk around so I can have something fun to do at night."

OW: "So is this just a me thing? Do you just come to my house alone?"

CG: "Nah I hop from place to place. You could think of me as a kind of Santa."

OW: "Are you aware that you're breaking numerous laws? And also that you smell like a sewer rat? When's the last time you showered?"

CG: "Oh just yesterday. Did you not hear the water running last night?"

At this point our writer proceeded to pass out. Ambulances were called, but by the time they arrived, the creepy homeless guy was back to his old tricks in a different house.

Disclaimer: This is satiric fiction.