Ah, the holidays. The snowflakes tickling the tip of your nose, the cool air in your lungs, and the gigantic Christmas tree in the square decorated so brightly that it is almost easy to forget there was ever a time besides Christmastime. Like most people, I adore Christmas. I love sitting by the fire, drinking cocoa, and watching terribly cheesy Hallmark movies I know will make me cry in a short two hours. Yet, it is in these movies, or during the commercials in between, that my insecurities begin to flare up. After all, what holiday would be complete without Hollywood family guilt?
The most painful Hallmark movies are the ones which claim that families can be fixed with a little “Christmas magic.” Contrary to popular belief, estrangement, abuse, or mistreatment cannot be fixed simply because families should “belong” together. This idea of “belonging” can cause pain and anger during the holidays, especially for me. I watch as families come together, putting their differences aside to share in a meal at Thanksgiving and Christmas and enjoy their time together. Somehow, these families have managed to make it, these are the “ideal” families. There is nothing wrong with this ideal family model, except to say that for those of us that don’t have that luxury, the holidays are more depressing than celebratory. For fourteen years, I shared in the idea of this “ideal” family. I was constantly surrounded by grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, not only during the holidays, but the whole year round. We were close knit and loving, and while we had our issues, I believed nothing could tear us about. Eventually though, something did, and looking back, I realize there are certain wounds that cannot be healed with a bit of “Christmas magic.” Christmas magic cannot provide a feeling of safety or heal deep-seeded wounds, and it certainly should not bring together families that do better apart than together. Yet, as I watch these Hallmark films, I realize it is a lot easier to sell miracles and hope rather than truth.
Still, I sit here watching movie after movie, continuously thrilled by the knowledge that these families will be reunited. I am intoxicated by what I will never have again, drunk off the hope these made up people seem to possess. For them, “it gets better” and “family is forever.” There’s no hidden secret waiting to tear their family apart, or years of therapy used to get them to this point. Somehow, these blissfully idiotic people make up for their crazy relatives all because a snowflake falls and I eat it up like candy. I don’t hate the holidays, but I wish that Hollywood and Hallmark would stop idealizing the broken family. We do not always get back together, and to be honest, that is okay. Sometimes, being separate is far healthier than being together ever could be.
There are two television shows that come to mind in particular when I think of romanticized, toxic families. In Gilmore Girls, Lorelai and Rory face financial and emotional manipulation for over seven seasons as the matriarch of the family, Emily, ruins multiple healthy relationships and educational choices simply because she disagrees. As for Arrested Development, the sheere number of laws broken, humiliating pranks, and physical and emotional boundaries crossed should have landed with a legal separation, if not further imprisonment and therapy for nearly every member of the family. Yet, these situations are played for laughs, diluting the impact a toxic family can have in real life.
Despite the sound of it, I do still find myself thrilled whenever a Hallmark movie comes on, or I decide to rewatch Gilmore Girls. I do not hate Hollywood or a feel-good, predictable film I know will result in many happy tears afterwards. What I do ask, is that as the holidays roll around, we be more considerate to those who may not have the family situation we see on TV. I have two loving parents and a fantastic brother, yet there is still a part of me that hurts everytime I hear someone say families should be together. The truth is, the holidays, and life in general, are more about spending time and building relationships with people you love, rather than with those related to you. Unlike Arrested Development or Gilmore Girls, families don’t always stick together, and for those of us in this situation, this is our happy ending. Toxic families in Hollywood stick together, sometimes with the help of a little Christmas magic, but in real life, my family consists of my little family and those not related by blood I’ve chosen to become my family. This Christmas, be thankful for whomever it is you call your family. Whether this is a single parent, same-sex parents, grandparents, stepparents, adoptive parents, or someone else, the people who truly care for you are the real gifts Hollywood will never quite get right.
