Coming Home With High School Heartbreak

Coming Home With High School Heartbreak

Whenever I come home, it's a graveyard to my high school boyfriend.


I pass the park that we used to hang out in after school,

I drive the roads we used to go down together

and I am overwhelmed with memories.

Whenever I come home, it's a graveyard to my high school boyfriend. Especially when we had first broken up — I could barely drive past any of ~our places~ without feeling a deep pit in my stomach. I come home from college for such a short time but 60% of that time is reminiscing on what we used to do here and wondering what he is doing now.

I'm surrounded by my family, who I rarely see, but we can be driving somewhere and I see it — like a flash before my eyes, taking me back to my 16-year-old self. My mother usually asks me about 23 times throughout my stay home: "Do you ever talk to _______," and immediately I feel sick. Even after all this time — I still feel sick. But when that sickness subsides I can't help but wonder if he's feeling this way too.

Why is that?

Am I still so hurt after all these years? I don't think that's the case. We had made our hometown ours. And while I try to separate the two every time I come home, I will still see the parking lot where we had my first kiss or the restaurants we used to frequent.

It's just an adjustment to see this town by myself as opposed to seeing it with another person.

But that happens when you come home.

We come home to our towns as new people, and while the memories can consume us, the new lenses we see the town through show how much we've changed. We're not the same that we were in high school and we will never be that way again — but the memories that may sometimes put pits in our stomachs helped us get to this point, and for that I am thankful.

So instead of dwelling on those memories as bad ones, I'm looking at them with gratitude. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am without him or this town. I'm going to take this time during the holidays to cherish the present instead of dwelling in the past. I'm thankful for him, this town and how the shaped me to be the woman I am.

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An Open Letter To The Girl Hurting

If you're looking for a sign that you're doing the right thing, this is it.

I don't know where you are, or what you're going through right now. I don't know if it will get better by tomorrow, or if weeks have gone by and you're still feeling as much pain as you felt the moment it happened to you. I don't know if tears are still staining your pillow, or if you're slowly starting to pick yourself up and collect the pieces. Whatever is happening right now, if you're reading this and looking for a sign that you're doing the right thing, this is it.

If you have a choice to make, greet it with confidence. If a choice has been made for you, accept it with a calm beauty surrounding you. Nothing is set in stone, and worrying yourself with the "what ifs" will only confuse you and distract you from the most important thing in this world: your happiness. Take a breath, attempt to find a moment of clarity, and decide. Is this battle worth fighting? Are you able to change anything about your situation? Are you afraid to be alone? Do you want to be alone? Is this the life you want to live, the person you want to be? These are things questions only you can answer, things that only you can figure out for yourself. Be strong, and decide.

You know what you need, whether it's clearly visible or deep down, it's there. It might be masked by the pain coursing through your body, or by the fear of change, but you know what's best for you. Even though you know what you need, it still doesn't change the fact that admitting it to yourself hurts like hell.

Honestly, it's okay that it does hurt. It was important to you, it was something that mattered, so of course you're going to be in pain. Sadness is underrated. Admitting you're hurting is viewed as a sign of weakness, but I see it as a sign of strength. You're strong enough to tell someone that you're not okay, that you need help. Asking for help doesn't make you weak; it makes you brave.

Pain isn't something that should be hidden. It's not something dirty that needs to be locked away behind closed doors. It's not something you should go through alone. Tell your people that you're hurting. Let them hold your hand and ground you as the feelings and memories overpower you. Find strength through their touch, through their advice, and even through their simple presence. Hold on to them as the tidal wave crashes into you, and let them hold you steady as you recover from it.

Whatever is happening to you right now, I have the utmost confidence that things will work out exactly how they're supposed to. During this time of confusion, find some new things out about yourself. Read, expand your knowledge on a topic you're unfamiliar about, have fun with your friends, do something you never would have dreamed of doing. Embrace the new chapter of your life. Fall wildly in love with yourself, with your family, with your friends; you're never going to find a moment quite like this again. Find what you're made of, and if you discover that you don't like the position that you're in right now, you have the power to change it. You have all the power, always.

I sincerely hope that you find the answers to quiet and calm your your aching soul. Enjoy your journey, and have faith that you'll find your way again.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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To The Boy I Fell In Then Out Of Love With, A Final Message

I want people to understand it is VERY possible to fall in love with the wrong person.


It wasn't right.

And as much as it pains me to come to this realization, it's also liberating.

I fell in love with you. But I fell in love with the wrong person.

I'm sorry for trying to change you. I'm sorry for trying to reconstruct who you are as a person. But, because I now see these red flags and understand the emotional exhaustion we caused each other, I know now it can't work. I had too much hope in the potential — the what could have been. The impossible. I envisioned the ideal, picturesque relationship with you. I thought that if you changed the things I wanted you to change, everything would be fine. I couldn't force you to do that, though. I couldn't keep forcing anything.

There are so many beautiful things about you I will cherish forever.

I see so much good in you that a lot of people couldn't. Our relationship was special and strong in certain ways. You were the first person I ever really fell for. And for that, I will hold a place in my heart for you that will never, ever leave, no matter who comes into my life.

You are irreplaceable.

That being said, it's important to also note where things went wrong. Where things just couldn't be fixed. Where tireless effort just wasn't worth it anymore.

Love isn't supposed to be easy, but it also shouldn't be nearly as difficult as we made it out to be. I'm sorry we couldn't love each other. Maybe in another time or another life, it will be different. But it won't work now.

To the boy I fell in love with, I loved you, but I can't be with you.

I want people to understand it is VERY possible to fall in love with the wrong person. Red flags can pervade, but you will push them under the table because you don't want them to be true. I want people to realize you can still find so much good in a person and fall for a person for so many different reasons, but they STILL aren't right for you. All of this is real and valid and NEEDS to get addressed. If not, you will find yourself in an endless, toxic cycle of hurt and heartache.

Below, I've attached an article written by Kristine Fellizar entitled "20-Easy-To-Miss Signs You're In Love With The Wrong Person." I would make a list myself, but I feel like her list explicates this topic well, and I related to many of the ideas embedded in her piece.

Don't look at your past relationships as a mistake. Learn and grow from one another. Find that person that shouldn't have to change anything for you. You deserve a love that is wholesome and worth it.

You can be happy. Love someone for them. No more molding. No more wishful thinking. Just loving.

Easy, simple loving.

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