This is a list of tips for being human. Now, I am sure that many of you are already human, that's okay (this article may not be for you). Many others, I'm sure, are questioning my authority in this matter, asking themselves, "what could this guy possibly know about being human?" I feel your incredulity and I approve. In this age of self-help inundation, who can we really believe? Who really has the answers?
Well, let me start off by saying then, that my answer to both questions is: me! I know that I'm just another voice in a storm of voices trying to tell you how to live your lives, but I also know that I'm pretty sure that I have this whole thing figured out. The thing is, it's actually kind of easy to be human. A whole bunch of actual people do it every day! The difficulty is landing within the acceptable vectors of believable and approachable, so as to avoid sliding into the uncanny valley and ending up as a social pariah, or worse, blowing your cover. And that's why I'm here!
So let's get started!
I wake up every morning just like anyone else: I'm tired, I'm grumpy and I have to squeeze myself into an entire human body's worth of skin. It's not easy, but it is endlessly important, and that's why skin is my first step to success. The fact is, humans are exceptionally fond of skin; they have strong preferences about its cleanliness, color, even tightness! But don't let this discourage you. Though they would have you believe that this is of critical importance, humans actually go out of their way to cover about 90 percent of their skin, 90 percent of the time. That makes our jobs easy! Just focus on the face; stretch that web of porous flesh over your head until you can barely articulate thoughts. Remember: tight is right! As soon as you start sagging, wrinkling, or tearing at the edges, these people will abandon you.
That's looking good, Timmy!
Fun fact: You can always remove blemishes on your skin with egg washes, vinegar rubs, overnight boils, or mirror shouting sessions! For more tips and tricks try out this link here (You know it's safe because the first slide is of a syringe!).
The next step is all about the eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul, or so they say. Don't let this frighten you, though! It's a figure of speech; no one will ever actually see into your soul. Eyes are simply a readily available apparatus by which humans communicate and create basic interpersonal connections. At a time when a majority of communication happens through text and social media, you actually have a leg up here (or an eyeball up, hahaha). By taking the initiative and making unflinching eye contact during conversation, you are already leagues ahead of many real human beings who have adapted to the landscape of the internet age. And hey, if you're pulling off social interactions better than your human counterparts, who's to say that you're not more human than they are?
Acceptable human interaction.
Next up are the hands. Hands are also the windows to the soul. Humans use them for everything, be it eating, moving things around, high fives, sports, other activities, the list is figuratively endless. The point is, humans love to express themselves and touch each other. It's no big deal! You just have to remember where your hands are at all times. At any given moment, and during any given activity, you need to be making a conscious effort to use your hands to their maximum potential. Never lose track of them! Try to test out basic hand movements in the mirror; make them look natural. Learn when it is and isn't appropriate to make physical contact with other human beings. And again, you don't have to be perfect! You just have to be a little better that all of the actual humans who never quite got the hang of it.
Last but not least: create an identity! This is the most in-depth part of the process, and it will require that all of the other steps work in tandem. However, with a working identity, you will be able to pass as human even if one of these previous steps is failing you. The key principle here is to aim for eccentric. It may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. If you try to be normal, it's inevitable that they'll figure you out. On the other hand, if you make it a point to be abnormal, no one will know the difference between your facade and your actual strangeness! They'll be so busy trying to figure out why you're rockin' the entire-shirt-made-of-socks look, that they won't even notice the split at the back of your skull that's leaking memory sludge (it happens to the best of us).
And that's it! A few simple steps and you're well on the road to being just about the real deal. There's no reason to doubt yourself. With the right amount of effort, we can all pretend to be real human beings together. And we deserve it. Why should humans get all the benefits of being human? It's about time that we all got a taste of that pie. So keep that skin tight, and remember: you're not a monster, you're a disguise!
