Breakups are incredibly difficult. Recovering from a breakup is even more difficult. The death of a relationship and the loss of love cut deeply into the heart. When a heart is broken, the hollow and pain it creates gets much worse before it gets better. The deeper the love, the deeper the ache. It is a pain that can feel endless, and it takes five natural stages and steps of confusion and emotion in order to pick up to pieces and move forward with your heart.

1. Denial: Welcome to the beginning of the end.

It’s similar to being in a car accident: the tragedy is seen before it even happens and in the mess of the aftermath, you still can’t believe what’s happened when looking at the wreckage. You wait for a sign to show you that you’re right, it’s not REALLY over. You won’t feel single, not just yet. You hold off on telling friends and family about the breakup, hoping it’ll all work out. You’ll expect a daily text or visit from your partner like it’s any other day. It won’t be until a week or two passes that the day dreams will roll in about a text or call that says “I was wrong. Take me back. Let’s work this out”. For most, these regretful messages never come. It is when you longer expect your ex to waltz back and initiate a reconciliation that you can move on the next stage.

2. Anger: Seeing red.

This stage is far from fun. Much anger and blame is piled onto the ex typically during this stage. Thoughts like: “what an ass! I can’t believe I ever believed them. What a waste of time! They’re nothing but lying cheating scum. I bet they would enjoy having tea with Lamar Odom….jackass.” You find yourself hating them and yourself. It all seem a waste. You feel played, cheated, taken advantage of. You feel that all the moments you cherish and hold dear didn’t mean anything to your ex. You’re furious at them for this, for throwing it all away. You’ll get angry at that cute guy or girl that you were always suspicious about on your ex’s Facebook page. Maybe they are a liar and left you for Ms. or Mr. Cute Facebook Person. You’ll blast Mayday Parade, Taylor Swift and P!nk, because they get your pain. You’ll roll your eyes at couples on the streets and become angry at their happiness. The good thing is this is all temporary.

3. Bargaining: Perhaps the most pathetic stage that the heartbroken go through.

It’s more of a pleading and begging than a bargaining. We make silence promises to ourselves and unjustifiably blame ourselves for your failed relationship. You find yourself wanting your ex back despite previously cursing them to hell. Now you promise to the moon and the stars if you get them back, you’ll treat them like gold and you’ll never ask for anything else in this lifetime. This is perhaps when you start making drunk phone calls to your ex. Or perhaps you text them, hoping they’ll change their mind or realize they want you back-- need you back. You’ll start playing The Smith’s “Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want This Time” on repeat. When the pleading doesn’t work, and when reaching out to your ex doesn’t work, things become pretty dark…

4. Depression: The lowest of the low.

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The ache in your heart will consume you as reality sets in that your relationship is, indeed, over. You start lamenting over the past; drowning in nostalgia. The anger and desperate pleas and replaced by tears and sorrow. You’ll blame yourself for not being enough for your ex. Know you’re enough and the right person will never question that. This period is dictated by thoughts like “We were perfect. You were perfect. Nothing will ever be as perfect as us. No one will ever understand me like you did. No one will make me laugh or smile the way you do. No one will ever make me love again like you do.” And it’s all true in that moment. You won’t ever love the same way again because every love is different and magic in its own unique ways. Each relationship is like a thumb print, irreplaceable and unreplicable by another. But when your heart does finally open itself up to love again, you will eventually find a fierce and worthwhile love to replace the pain when you are ready to risk heartache again. Because after all, love is a gamble-- the ultimate risk worth taking.

5. Acceptance: The beginning of better days.

You might not quite feel okay, but you are learning how to be okay with life without your past relationship. You’ll be able to feel more than ache and think about more than you ex. You’ll finally be able to recognize that the relationship wasn’t the right one for you. No one should want someone who doesn’t want them back. It’s unhealthy and hurts like hell. As you pick up the pieces, you’ll find a renewed and different version of yourself-- this will be your new normal. And as the days go on, the hurt will eventually dwindle away. The love you had for someone else will eventually be replaced with love for yourself. When your passions and ambitions fill your time to a point where you no longer look for love, you may just stumble across someone who helps you believe again. Remember that for any relationship to work and for any heart ache to be less damaging, you must love and respect yourself above all else. You must be accepting and welcoming to self love before you can be accepting of others’ love.