Having Mixed Feelings When Someone Dies

Having Mixed Feelings When Someone Dies

and why it's okay
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It’s okay to be relieved when someone dies.

You don’t have to feel bad about that, either.

It doesn’t mean you didn’t care about that person, or that you won’t miss them. Having mixed feelings doesn’t testify to their death, it testifies to the relationship you had with them when they were still alive.

It’s alright if you’re the only person that’s relieved. You most likely had a different relationship with the person that passed; a more difficult one. Maybe you had fights, or maybe you just had your feelings hurt more often than not. Whatever the reason is, you can take a full breath. It’s most likely someone close to you, someone that you knew well. It’s someone that you let in, maybe a little too far. The pain of losing someone is real, and although the sting isn’t meant to last, it turns into something different.

From what I’ve learned, sometimes, relief has its own pain. You may be relieved, but are you still angry? Are you still harboring negative feelings towards that person? It’s hard to justify being mad at a dead person. I’m still trying to find a reason for it to this day. The saying ‘beating a dead horse’ couldn’t apply more. There’s nothing you can change, there’s nothing more that can be said, so why continue to harbor it? It is very much so easier said than done, but that’s one of the only ways to heal. Just like that person dies, you must let your anger die with them. It may take months, even years. There’s no right way to let your true feelings about a person come out, furthermore, no one can tell you how to feel. Your expression may come out in many different ways.

You may not find solace in talking to other people. I’ve gotten yelled at for how I feel. I’ve had people tell me ‘I’m morbid for feeling relief’ or ‘how dare you talk about that person like that’. I’ve been called a lot of things. I’ve found release with the people that know me best, that knew the relationship I had with this person the best. These people knew both of us, and knew how difficult we both were. I can say a lot of things, both good and bad. There were a lot of things left unspoken that I wish I could have said.

At the very least, and maybe the boldest statement I can make,

I’m happy it’s over.

I’m not happy the person died the way they did, but I’m happy my frustration with them did. I’m happy the constant arguing did. The fear of disappointing them, the need to please them, every upset feeling I had. I no longer had to dread phone calls or be scared when they wanted to spend time with me. I no longer had a reason to be afraid.

I’m relieved that they died, and I’m perfectly okay with that.

Cover Image Credit: quotefancy.com

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To The Girl Who Had A Plan

A letter to the girl whose life is not going according to her plan.
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“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” - William Ernest Henley

Since we were little girls we have been asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” We responded with astronauts, teachers, presidents, nurses, etc. Then we start growing up, and our plans change.

In middle school, our plans were molded based on our friends and whatever was cool at the time. Eventually, we went to high school and this question became serious, along with some others: “What are your plans for college?” “What are you going to major in?” “When do you think you’ll get married?” “Are you going to stay friends with your friends?” We are bombarded with these questions we are supposed to have answers to, so we start making plans.

Plans, like going to college with our best friends and getting a degree we’ve been dreaming about. Plans, to get married as soon as we can. We make plans for how to lose weight and get healthy. We make plans for our weddings and children.

SEE ALSO: 19 Pieces Of Advice From A Soon-To-Be 20-Year-Old

We fill our Pinterest boards with these dreams and hopes that we have, which are really great things to do, but what happens when you don’t get into that college? What happens when your best friend chooses to go somewhere else? Or, what if you don’t get the scholarship you need or the awards you thought you deserved. Maybe, the guy you thought you would marry breaks your heart. You might gain a few pounds instead of losing them. Your parents get divorced. Someone you love gets cancer. You don’t get the grades you need. You don’t make that collegiate sports team. The sorority you’re a legacy to, drops you. You didn’t get the job or internship you applied for. What happens to you when this plan doesn’t go your way?

I’ve been there.

The answer for that is “I have this hope that is an anchor for my soul.” Soon we all realize we are not the captain of our fate. We don’t have everything under control nor will we ever have control of every situation in our lives. But, there is someone who is working all things together for the good of those who love him, who has a plan and a purpose for the lives of his children. His name is Jesus. When life takes a turn you aren’t expecting, those are the times you have to cling to Him the tightest, trusting that His plan is what is best. That is easier said than done, but keep pursuing Him. I have found in my life that His plans were always better than mine, and slowly He’s revealing that to me.

The end of your plan isn’t the end of your life. There is more out there. You may not be the captain of your fate, but you can be the master of your soul. You can choose to be happy despite your circumstances. You can change directions at any point and go a different way. You can take the bad and make something beautiful out of it, if you allow God to work in your heart.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Patiently Waiting With An Impatient Heart

So, make the best of that school you did get in to. Own it. Make new friends- you may find they are better than the old ones. Apply for more scholarships, or get a job. Move on from the guy that broke your heart; he does not deserve you. God has a guy lined up for you who will love you completely. Spend all the time you can with the loved one with cancer. Pray, pray hard for healing. Study more. Apply for more jobs, or try to spend your summer serving others instead. Join a different club or get involved in other organizations on campus. Find your delight first in God and then pursue other activities that make you happy; He will give you the desires of your heart.

My friend, it is going to be OK.

Cover Image Credit: Megan Beavers Photography

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