I Have Questions
Start writing a post
Lifestyle

I Have Questions

I am no longer willing to let my life be decided for me

208
I Have Questions
wallpapertag

Ever since I could talk, I have never really had an issue asking questions. No matter what happened, I was always able to ask why it happened. I always wanted to know why.

When my parents got divorced, that was the first question that came to mind. When I asked, I was told that I was too young to understand, but that it was for the best. They said it was not my fault and that they both still loved me very much. I didn't ask anymore questions.

When nobody asked me to play with them on the playground, I wanted to know what I did wrong. I asked my friends, but they told me that it was not a big deal. They laughed and walked away. I usually found people to play with, but I didn't ask anymore questions.

When we got to middle school and my first boyfriend broke up with me, I asked him why. He said that he didn't know, he just didn't feel like having a girlfriend. Then I saw his friends laughing at me, teasing me for thinking that they really liked me. I didn't ask any more questions.

When I started high school and went to the nurses office to get weighed for my physical, I asked the nurse why she made a funny face. She said she did not make a funny face; I must be imagining things. When I overheard her comment about my weight to the doctor, but I didn't ask anymore questions.

When prom season rolled around, I asked my friends why they thought nobody asked me. They just said I was too good for them. I no longer wanted to go to prom, but I already bought a dress. I asked an acquaintance to go with me. We had fun, but I didn't ask anymore questions.

When he started to tell me what to wear, I asked why I couldn't go to school in skinny jeans. He told me that if I loved him I wouldn't ask dumb questions and I would listen to what he's telling me. I dug some sweatpants out of my closet and I didn't ask anymore questions.

When I buried someone I loved, I asked why. I asked why I didn't do anything to help, I asked if it was my fault. All I wanted was to look them in the face and tell them that I love them one more time. Nothing made sense. I didn't ask any more questions.

When the doctors told me that there was nothing wrong with me I asked why they were just going to give up. They said there was nothing else that they could do. I spent years feeling like it was all in my head and that I was faking it. I didn't ask any more questions.

When I was told that I had no choice but to do something I really did not want to do, I asked why. I must have asked why a million times. But I asked why only in my head. I realized that I had stopped protesting. I had given up on trying to understand.

Some nights my head is so full of questions that I have never asked that I feel like I might explode. But my tears hit an empty page of paper.

I am unsure of where to begin. When I do start to write, all that comes out is why. I write this one word over and over, my eyes burning with tears and my heart breaking over and over again.

You see, trauma changes people. Nobody lives a perfect life, and we all have things that leave us questioning why.

You see, I have questions, and I want answers.

I have spent years shielding myself from the truth because I was afraid to ask questions. I have spent my life pushing all of my problems down, but I'm running our of room. I don't have the space to hold my questions back.

I want to know why. I want to know why things happen and I want to know how I can overcome them. I am no longer willing to sit by and watch my life get decided by the actions of others. I am in control of my fate, and it is up to me to ask the questions and demand the answers.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Health and Wellness

5 Simple Ways To Give Yourself Grace, Especially When Life Gets Hard

Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we are becoming.

3484
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's giving myself grace. I'm easily my own worst critic in almost everything that I do. I'm a raging perfectionist, and I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times. I can remember simple errors I made years ago, and I still hold on to them. The biggest thing I'm trying to work on is giving myself grace. I've realized that when I don't give myself grace, I miss out on being human. Even more so, I've realized that in order to give grace to others, I need to learn how to give grace to myself, too. So often, we let perfection dominate our lives without even realizing it. I've decided to change that in my own life, and I hope you'll consider doing that, too. Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we're becoming. As you read through these five affirmations and ways to give yourself grace, I hope you'll take them in. Read them. Write them down. Think about them. Most of all, I hope you'll use them to encourage yourself and realize that you are never alone and you always have the power to change your story.

Keep Reading... Show less
Entertainment

Breaking Down The Beginning, Middle, And End of Netflix's Newest 'To All The Boys' Movie

Noah Centineo and Lana Condor are back with the third and final installment of the "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" series

304951
Netflix

Were all teenagers and twenty-somethings bingeing the latest "To All The Boys: Always and Forever" last night with all of their friends on their basement TV? Nope? Just me? Oh, how I doubt that.

I have been excited for this movie ever since I saw the NYC skyline in the trailer that was released earlier this year. I'm a sucker for any movie or TV show that takes place in the Big Apple.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

4 Ways To Own Your Story, Because Every Bit Of It Is Worth Celebrating

I hope that you don't let your current chapter stop you from pursuing the rest of your story.

191148
Photo by Manny Moreno on Unsplash

Every single one of us has a story.

I don't say that to be cliché. I don't say that to give you a false sense of encouragement. I say that to be honest. I say that to be real.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

How Young Feminists Can Understand And Subvert The Internalized Male Gaze

Women's self-commodification, applied through oppression and permission, is an elusive yet sexist characteristic of a laissez-faire society, where women solely exist to be consumed. (P.S. justice for Megan Fox)

93153
Paramount Pictures

Within various theories of social science and visual media, academics present the male gaze as a nebulous idea during their headache-inducing meta-discussions. However, the internalized male gaze is a reality, which is present to most people who identify as women. As we mature, we experience realizations of the perpetual male gaze.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

It's Important To Remind Yourself To Be Open-Minded And Embrace All Life Has To Offer

Why should you be open-minded when it is so easy to be close-minded?

286424

Open-mindedness. It is something we all need a reminder of some days. Whether it's in regards to politics, religion, everyday life, or rarities in life, it is crucial to be open-minded. I want to encourage everyone to look at something with an unbiased and unfazed point of view. I oftentimes struggle with this myself.

Keep Reading... Show less
Swoon

14 Last Minute Valentine's Day Gifts Your S.O. Will Love

If they love you, they're not going to care if you didn't get them some expensive diamond necklace or Rolex watch; they just want you.

172489

Let me preface this by saying I am not a bad girlfriend.

I am simply a forgetful one.

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

10 Helpful Tips For College Students Taking Online Courses This Semester

Here are several ways to easily pass an online course.

114920
Photo by Vlada Karpovich on Pexels

With spring semester starting, many college students are looking to take courses for the semester. With the pandemic still ongoing, many students are likely looking for the option to take online courses.

Online courses at one time may have seemed like a last minute option for many students, but with the pandemic, they have become more necessary. Online courses can be very different from taking an on-campus course. You may be wondering what the best way to successfully complete an online course is. So, here are 10 helpful tips for any student who is planning on taking online courses this semester!

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

Take A Look At The Extravagant Lane Woods Jewelry Collection For Valentine's Gift Ideas

So if you are currently looking to purchase jewelry for yourself or as a romantic gift for your S.O., you should definitely look at the marvelous and ornately designed Lane Woods Jewelry collection

335211

Just like diamonds are a girl's best friend, so are pearls, rubies, gold, emeralds, and any type of luxurious jewelry you can get your hands on! A woman is incomplete without a piece of jewelry on her and it is a gorgeous accessory required for all occasions. So if you are currently looking to purchase jewelry for yourself or as a romantic gift for your S.O., you should definitely look at the marvelous and ornately designed Lane Woods Jewelry collection.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments