I can't do it.

With every bone in my body and every ounce of my being I am dreading January 15th. Because Martin Luther King Jr, terrifies me? No; because that is the day I have to lug my ten pounds of clothing and personal belongings onto a Metro-North railroad train, through Grand Central Station, onto two different subways, two blocks against West Side wind, through the halls of my weirdly-lit residence hall.

I started complaining about going back to school before I even left school. I know that some people are anxiously awaiting the day when they finally run back onto campus, to their little paradise free of parents and rules and annoying questions from family members. Not me. I just don't understand.

It probably sounds like I'm super unhappy at my college and a lot of you are probably thinking "Hey, this depressing Debbie Downer should transfer schools." BUD. It's not the school, it's not the city, it's not the people or atmosphere or classes. It is me. I am a very big fan of staying in my pajamas all day and playing with my dog and not crying over assignments.

I keep telling people how much I despise being in school and the adults all laugh like, "Oh ha ha, I remember those days, back to the grind. You'll probably be excited once you see your friends and can get away from us old folks." First of all, Jerry, it sounds like I never asked for your opinion.

Second of all, yes, I miss my beautiful, wonderful friends, but I could easily go visit them and then come crawling back to the comfort of my home where I do not have the added burdens of homework and an empty bank account and unreliable public transportation.

Third of all, I am an adult and my parents have some semblance of respect for that, meaning I'm not going to bed at 8:30 PM like a ten year-old or asking permission to leave the house or spend the night out.

When I tell other college kids that I'm really not pumped to go back it's almost worse. I get a lot of confused stares and shocked responses. "You aren't lit to go back to school and drink yourself into oblivion every night??" Um, no. Because then I'll be sad AND an alcoholic.

Seriously, yes, I would miss going out with my friends and living with them and being on my own, but think about it: none of those things necessitate college. Ideally, I would love to live in an apartment in the city, maybe with a friend or two as a roommate, and go to brunch and do my own grocery shopping, and go out on the weekends, but since this isn't TV and I am maddeningly unable to get a job to support that lifestyle without higher education, that is very much impossible.

I often feel like I'm not cut out for college. This is not the path that I am most happy on, it gives me tremendous anxiety and makes me sad more frequently than it makes me happy. I do not want to go back to college and I can not identify a point in the foreseeable future at which I would be thrilled to go back to college.

For me, however, college is a part of the life plan I have chosen for myself. The job I eventually hope to have requires a college degree, and then, after that a graduate degree. So even though I do not love it, and I can not see myself loving it ever, college is something I will continue to deal with. You love/loved it, and that's great for you. Unless you have a realistic alternative for me, let me and my bitter attitude return, in peace.