There was no specific moment when I came to the realization I was bisexual. There was no defining day to mark down in the history books. No photos to show my kids and grandkids which marked the moment. One thing for sure, it was years in the making. It took preparation and convincing myself over and over again that it was not just a curious fetish.
I knew I was confused by fifth grade. Being bullied by boys in elementary school really helped shaped this confusion. I hated the boys around me and I could not think of ever liking one, so therefore, I found comfort in the girls. Don't get me wrong, there was defiantly some horrible girls in elementary school, but the girls who were my friends were phenomenal. I know it sounds quite cliche - girl falls for her friends and "turns" as if this was some vampire tale and a single bite could turn me.
It wasn't that I fell for my friends, I fell for their personalities. I wanted someone in my life just like them - just as caring and loving as them. I tried telling myself what I was feeling was false. I told myself that was was young and stupid...literally. I "fake loved" some boys - pulled some strings to make myself better. I was trying so hard to find my place with the "normal" girls but I just couldn't. I was what you would call a tomboy. I practiced peeing standing up in sixth grade. I also allowed myself to be feminine in sixth grade. I dressed like a girl - whatever that means.
In seventh grade I kissed a boy for the first time and I thought I was cured but no - my body was still infected with confusion. I was drowning myself in self hate trying to figure out what it all meant. I messed around in seventh grade still trying to find that spot with the normal kids. I didn't think my religion would fit well with the confusion I was feeling on the inside. I got chills whenever a boy I liked touched my thighs but I thought butterflies when I saw a girl I thought had a beautiful soul.
It was the end of eighth grade when I finally accepted being bisexual. I'm not quite sure when the news broke but when it did - there was a mixed commotion. A part of me felt as if everybody already knew there was wasn't really much of a hateful reaction. By the time the news broke was accepting myself for the person I am - every part of me - and I didn't care much for other's opinions.
Though most people were accepting, I still got the hateful comments. The laughter. Girls not wanting to be near me because I liked girls. Hell, couldn't even compliment a girl without her thinking I had some sexual interest in her. At first, when the news broke, I tried to deny it. Tried to disprove it and laugh it off but realized it just isn't my nature to not be true to myself.
Scary thing I've never told my mom, so I guess if at some point she reads this, it'll be my way of #comingout to her.
Lately, coming out has become a trend. Everyone is sharing their stories of how they over came hateful bullies growing up. I didn't really have any of that - just little shit. My worst bully was myself. I tortured myself day in and day out because I didn't want to be bisexual. I felt as if I was in limbo - I had to pick a side. I called myself named in my head daily. I would look in the mirror and think of ways to be more girly.
Today, coming out is praised. We can rejoice because finally, people are living in their true self. The LGBTQ+ community is accepted more than ever and I can't help but wish I had this platform around when I was struggling. It is tremendously important for kids growing up confused and unaware to know that there is this huge accepting community for them to be apart of.
With an even bigger platform comes an even bigger hatred for the LGBTQ+ community. People are finding new ways to terrorize and prejudice members of this community and more times then one it feels like law enforcement is against us. Sometimes it feels as if we take one step forward, two steps back - but the love within our community cannot be stopped.
Society is forever changing and my only hope is that it changes for the better. Hoping at someone people can be happy as they are without be murdered for being with the person they find happiness with. It wasn't easy back then, and it isn't easy now, but it's easier knowing there are millions of people just like you and I around the world.
So, for the girl confused - for the boy questioning - for anyone feeling alone and unaccepted because of the gender identification.
P.S.: We don't hate straight people.
"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama.
