Have you ever looked at an aspect of your life and desired to do it differently? Something that was contrary to what those around you were doing? Did you feel pressured to conform but knew deep down this was a better path for you? You can feel this way with so many particulars of life. In ministry, it is no different.
When I first came to this country from the Dominican Republic, I wanted to explore everything about it. I wanted to go to every neighborhood, every museum, theater and poetry gathering. I loved the creativity that lies in New York City. I loved the diversity, the cultures, the languages and the lifestyles. Though there was so much to explore and learn, I had to do it by myself. No one in my circle was really interested or had the possibility to explore with me.
I went alone. I had to change my perspective and pace. I embraced the adventure fully and I toured the city talking to God all day. I thought, however, this would only be for a season. I believed one day I would find many people who would want to adventure with me. I was in for a rude awakening.
This is currently happening in my Christian walk.
When I first became a Christian, I craved community. I wanted to pray with people, read the Bible with them and get to know them. I wanted to have the kind of community we see in the First church. I thought that this would be an easy task to accomplish since we all believe in the same God and have the same Holy Spirit living inside of us. Once again, I was in for a rude awakening.
The universal Church as we know it is in a constant state of activity. You could argue that we are accomplishing a lot. However, being involved in much leaves many things half way done. None of them get fully accomplished. Though we can have a lot of activity for a season, it shouldn't be a lifestyle. We don't live our full potential like this, and we cannot be the Church of Jesus Christ like this either.
The world demands and oozes much activity. It does this with the hope of medicating the high levels of anxiety and fear people live in. People are hungry for meaning. They are hungry for community. They are hungry for love and acceptance. They are not hungry for activity.
Even though we know how much we long for these things, we keep creating more and more activity. There is hardly any space for being but for doing.
A few weeks ago, I spoke with three friends I do ministry with. We discussed how often we forget why we began to do things. We begin because of our love and boldness to follow Jesus. Then life gets busy, and we forget.
So, I want to slow down. I want to be purposeful... But, I feel so alone.
My heart yearns to do with others the things I do with God. I want to pray with them. I want to get to truly know them. I want to ask, "What is really going on in your heart?" I want us to read the Bible together and be a family.
I am tired of activities.
I am tired of events.
I just want Church -- the way it was originally established. People met because they loved each other. They didn't have to put together an event and fliers out. They just wanted to be together. At the end of the day, I don't want to meet with people who want to attend an event with me. I want to meet with people who want to be a family with me.
Jesus did it this way. I want to do it like Him. But I have to go alone, and that's hard.
When I hear the girls I mentor speak, I know they have taken everything I've taught them and made it theirs. But, God Almighty, are they also going to do everything I do? Please don't let it be so. I am too busy. I am too concerned with the unimportant.
I need to go back to the beginning and do it the hard way. I have to do it the slow way. I have to do it the God way. This is the way I want to lead people in.
Much like I learned to travel in the city, I have to learn to walk through the narrow road. I have to teach that activity is not what is important but love, community and stillness. Nowadays, when people come visit from other countries or states, I am the one who gets to take them around the city. I get to take people with me because I was first willing to go by myself.
My friend Verlie Payne spoke these words to me weeks ago. They have kept ringing in my ears ever since. She said "Go low and slow, Anel. Low and slow". She told me that when we are doing so much, we have to ask ourselves if we are making ourselves gods. After all, there is only so much one person can do.
The Church of Jesus Christ is still His. He is still on the throne. Jesus doesn't "need" me. He simply uses me. I don't have to do- but rather- I get to do everything in the little part I play in the Kingdom.
So, I'm baring my heart to you today. I am dying to myself. I am walking this road alone. I'm going low and slow. I am doing it the still way, the "my Father and I" way, the "being a friend of sinners" way. I cannot do it any other way. I'm doing it the hard way. I am doing it the narrow way.
“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it." Matthew 7:13-14
