Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back at you? I don't mean just physically, but emotionally and mentally you’re just gone, completely lost and wandering. Your mind is simply somewhere else.
I couldn't find “me” for 7 years. 7 years passed and I wasn't myself, I was someone who was sad, shy, self-conscious, and angry. I would be lying if I said I was depressed for 7 years and felt absolutely no happiness, in fact, I experienced almost all of my fondest memories during that stretch of time. The reason I enjoyed so much of it is because I didn't take the joy for granted, I knew how low I could get so when I was finally out of my rut I would enjoy every second of it.
I knew how it felt to be lost and sad, so I didn't take for granted the times I was actually happy. I hated myself so much for not being able to “snap out of it.” I hated the fact that I didn't have control over my own emotions, I hated that I was sad and not enjoying life like I used to. I was so angry at myself for all of my problems, even when the problem had almost nothing to do with me, and were definitely not my fault. I hated myself so much that I learned how to love myself. Yes, you read that right. I hated the person I was so much that I created a new self, I became my old self. I finally got fed up with the sadness and the feelings of being so distant from myself, I decided to actively try to get back to where I used to be and I made some significant life changes to do so.
I’m familiar with every bad voice in my head, yet I am also getting to know the good voices. I’ve actually gotten to know the good voices so well, that the bad are intruders and out of the ordinary. It’s amazing what a positive mindset can do to a person’s world. I finally recognized the person in the mirror again and I’m starting to love her again.
I thank God for giving me hard times so I now truly appreciate the good. I’m comfortable and familiar with every emotion inside of me, and I wish so badly that everyone learns how to do the same. It took me absolutely detesting myself to learn how to totally love myself. I’m still a work in progress, and there’s plenty of room for improvement, but I’m up for the challenge to get there. There’s a beauty in sadness, and I consider myself very blessed to have recognized that beauty so early in my life.
