My brother and I decided to skip out on adulthood's responsibilities and go to Ocean for a weekend. On the way, we stopped at Kennywood, a historic amusement park full of scary old shit. I also conquered my fears here, which I suppose is important too. Here is our tale.

Later Ohio, we'll see you after Ocean.

Welcome to Kennywood, an amusement park full of old stuff and some new stuff too. They have some famous wooden roller coasters and a spooky-ass fun house that's Noah's Ark themed, from the 1940's. Renovations were just finished on this fun house, making it fun, because it my childhood it scarred me forever because it was so goddamn spooky. Instead of skeletons in the floor and dangerous animal animatronics, the new Noah's Ark now has one of those rooms where the walls spin and make you feel like you're wasted.

Here's another old-timey thing that scared me.

Laffin' Sal is a possessed mannequin that jitters and jolts to the laughter of a demonic opera singer. She's had a ton of different makeovers; this is one of her better ones. She's one spooky gal but I finally overcame my fear of her and stood close enough for her potato-fingers to grasp my shoulder. She had pretty shoes though.

Why who is that in the distance? None other than George Washington himself! What're you doin' up there George? Fighting the French and Indian War? You do you, dude.

What a coincidence! I also met my new cowboy husband at Kennywood. We tried to elope but I didn't realize he was stuck to the bench so we had to break our marriage off :(

Finally, Ocean! I missed you, old friend. My pose is so good I'm willing to model for professional photographers out there message me for my resume thanks.

Why does this flipflop have a face hole in it who would want to put their face in the middle of a flipflop how does this work.

At Ocean, there were a lot of mini-golf parks. I don't know what about Ocean it is, but it gives me a hankering for some good ol' papier mâché horror and matching neon golf clubs and balls.

I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHICH NINJA TURTLE THIS IS. AND WHY IS THIS LION SO SAD.

Seriously please message me if you're interested in me modeling for you I'm not desperate I would just like to share my talent with the world thank you.

But as it turns out, Beanie is not good attire for Ocean.

But unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Ocean was too rambunctious and I took too many tumbles in His salty embrace. Plus we had to go back to work. So we bid farewell to Ocean and returned home, and now I'm writing this article for losers like you to probably skim through just to look at these amazing pics.

But always remember: you can be a pirate if you stand on a boat hard enough.