Hannah B Is The Next Bachelorette And I Will Not Be Watching

The other night was the second part of the season finale of The Bachelor and at the end, they announced that Hannah B is going to be the next bachelorette. Now, I already had heard some rumors about her becoming the bachelorette, but I thought the producers had put out feelers to the general public and once they had graciously come back to their senses and realized there was a plethora of options from Colton's season to be the next bachelorette that aren't Hannah B, they would change their minds.

Well, I was wrong.

Before I get on my soapbox, I just want to say I think Hannah B is a great person. Like, I'm sure she has a ton of friends that love her. She seems funny and cool, and maybe I would hang out with her in another life. Not to mention, she looked fantastic last night.

But, the Roll Tide of it all.

I just don't believe that she is bachelorette material. It takes a certain kind of person to deal with the schmucks that go on that show, along with breaking up with all of them one-by-one. You have to be able to make a decision, articulate your feelings well and be able to stick to your guns, all while entertaining all of America. Someone like JoJo. Probably one of the best bachelorettes that show has seen. Interesting, personable, funny, smart and strong-willed. Also, so fucking gorg. Now, after watching that little preview of our girl Hannah last night, I am just a little concerned about her having to deal with 25 more weird, cringey guys.

Can we talk about the rap?

I literally had to close my eyes at one point because it was too hard to watch. And I get it, she's kind of thrown into this, she hasn't been properly trained yet, as she did not hesitate to tell us 10000 times. But, come on. She can't even say what she's looking for in a guy. Every question Chris threw at her was somehow not answered. Where were her notecards?? I thought pageant queens thrived on this shit???

I hope Chris has some Advil because he will be carrying the entire show on his back for this season.

They had so many great options too. Tayshia! Hannah G! Caelynn! DEMI FOR BACHELORETTE. I would have cried tears of happiness if they chose Demi. There definitely would not be any boring episodes, that's for sure.

And this wouldn't be fair if I didn't throw her a bone after dragging her for an entire article. I think she has started getting groomed and she has already grown for the better. Did you see Chris throw her that softball of a pageant question on Women Tell All and she just hit it out of the park? Old Hannah would have totally gotten into it, but Bachelorette Hannah really gave a nice, proper answer. And if I was thrown into everything like that on live television, God knows what would come out of my mouth.

Listen, I feel for the girl. She's a little quirky, a little awkward, and maybe it'll take a few tries to get everything running smoothly for TV. Maybe my hatred is for the show in general, and how many cringe-worthy moments they force us to watch in a span of two hours. And I say "force" because no matter how many times I say I'm going to stop watching, somehow my ass is on the couch with a glass of red wine in my hand every season premiere, ready to suffer through it all over again. Season after season I fall for their editing magic, surprised every single time that the cast member I was SURE would win ends up crying in the back of a minivan on their way home. I guess you could say I have amnesia. Or I just like to suffer. Who knows, but here's to another season of experiencing the horror together!

Except for "Bachelor in Paradise."

That show is fucking amazing.