I hate getting my hair cut. It’s a time-consuming process where you’re forced to talk to someone who you may want nothing to do with, and can it leave you in a terrible mood and feeling self-conscious when it’s over.
The part about being forced to talk to someone doesn’t necessarily apply to me, because I do actually enjoy talking to people, but I know for many, that holds true. I do, however, hate the time that I feel is often wasted when I leave my haircut appointment feeling misunderstood and confused about where things went wrong.
The lady who used to cut my hair at home—and my father’s and my brothers'—retired a few years ago. I’ve felt lost ever since. I cannot remember a haircut from anyone else that I genuinely loved. I’ve had haircuts that I’ve tolerated and I’ve had haircuts that I flat-out hated. Within the past few months, I’ve had two of the latter.
I have good hair. It’s thick, I take good care of it, and it’s (usually) long. The problem with growing my hair long is that I don’t have real sideburns, which means it goes from luscious, flowing locks to peyos-looking “sideburns” real quick.
Since I like my hair long, I don’t often go into a barber shop looking for a “cut," but rather, asking for a “trim." I tell them I want to keep it the same length, just get the bad sideburns and the back cleaned up. I always ask for them to use scissors rather than clippers—I’m not a goddamn sheep and I didn’t ask for a buzz.
Why, then, has almost every guy that’s ever cut my hair immediately pulled out clippers and started giving me the stupid, “trendy” fade that all you douchebags try to rock? I don’t even have an answer.
My head is not some goddamn creative canvas on which you get to just practice whatever pops into your head as you go.
“I want my hair the same length” means don’t cut two to three inches off.
“I don’t like clippers” means don’t start shearing the sides and back of my head like you’re trying to make a fucking wig.
When I come in and tell you “I’m trying to grow it longer, I just want to make sure it looks good," that isn’t an invitation for you to cut it as short as you damn well please. You may fancy yourself an “artist”—hell, many of your other clients may say the same—but I didn’t ask you to be an artist on my head. I asked you to cut my fucking hair the way I described so that I don’t look like every other douchebag walking around with a buzz cut around the sides of his head and a little pouf of hair on top.
I’ve always been told that my communication skills were one of my strengths, so I have a hard time believing that I’m not getting my message across when asked what I want done to my hair. Please stop using my head as your creative canvas. I’m a simple guy, I like a simple haircut. And yet I’ve rarely felt more misunderstood than when I ask for my hair to remain long and I walk out with almost nothing to run my hands through.
What went wrong, I find myself wondering. Was I not clear in my instructions?
Please, barber shops and salons everywhere, when someone says they want their hair long, don’t cut it all off. I’m going to feel lost and frustrated every time I go out for at least the next week until it stops looking awful. I don’t want to go back to the drawing board every time I get a trim. Just let me stifle your creativity for the 20 or 30 minutes that I’m in your chair and put someone else through the misery of the douche fade.
