Here at The Odyssey, we believe in helping to better college both inside and out. We like to help students nationwide reinvent themselves to be at their best at all times -- especially those who may need it most.Guys, I'm looking at you. Naturally, one of the most important steps in reinvention is learning (or sometimes re-learning) the basics of dressing to look and feel like the real college man you are. It's important to take a step back and remember the little things -- hitting points even your mother didn't think to teach you when you were learning how to button your first dress shirt. So, I give you in its most basic form, 10 things real college men should never be caught wearing. Under any circumstances. Ever.
Mandals
Let's start this off with something simple. With the million and three (exactly that many, we counted) different footwear options in the world, why would you ever consciously choose to wear man sandals? You're not a Roman soldier. This is not 150 B.C. Get some real shoes and for the love of God, stay away from anything Velcro. If your toes are that desperate for air, get a pair of flip flops. Reef makes a fantastic variety of styles (most of which come with a bottle opener on the bottom for an added bonus). Quicksilver too. There're tons. Not only are these mandals unattractive, but they tattoo you with the label “Middle-aged tourist dad." You might as well strap a camera around your neck and throw on a Hawaiian print shirt while you're at it. If you seriously wake up and think “Yes, today is the day I'm wearing these sandals," go to bed, and try again.
Jorts
Jean shorts, commonly referred to as “jorts."Another huge taboo. If it's denim, it should be reaching your ankles; you're a big boy now, wear big boy pants. Leave the jorts for the hillbillies and the hobos, especially if they were cut after leaving whatever store they were never meant to part from. If you by chance happen to be a hillbilly or a hobo, I apologize for the stab at you… but come on. Banana Republic, J. Crew, Nautica, even Target. All of them sell huge selections of shorts with all different colors and styles. Mid-thighs? Cargos? Seer sucker? Just about anything is better than the proverbial jort. Denim shorts do nothing for your comfort, style, functionality, or overall appearance. So why the hell even bother inventing them?
Man Purse
It's actually a little upsetting that these are even a thing. If you're carrying so much on you at all times that you need to carry a man purse, you should seriously reevaluate your pocket-filling priorities. Man purses are just that, purses. Men have pockets hidden literally everywhere. In your dress shirts, in your suit jackets, even pockets in your pockets sometimes! Use them. Ditch the murse. We as college men are resourceful, we don't need to resort to strapping on demoralizing side bags. But again, if you absolutely cannot live without a tote slung over your shoulder, at least make it one that looks good. Professional looking messenger bags can add a great edge of functionality to your business attire or your everyday outfit. Stick to brown or black leather to keep it clean and classy, and make sure it's big enough to not be confused for a murse. If you pick out something too small to fit a computer or looks like Zach Galafianakis wore it after any of his the three Hangovers, you sir, are holding a man purse. Check out brands like Timbuk2 and Boconi for more ideas.
White Socks and Dress Shoes
This is going to be short and sweet. Do not, do not, do not ever put on a pair of dress shoes with anything even resembling white socks. Not only does it look bad, it's painfully obvious to everyone who sees your glaringly contrasting ankles that you clearly lack any semblance of sense of what it means to wear business attire. When in doubt, go for a simple black dress sock. It's not hard, and it'll save you about a thousand snickers and scoffs.
Extreme Amounts of Cologne
Nobody wants to be that guy who makes people choke and tear up at your odor when you enter the room. This goes for both colognes and body sprays (which you shouldn't be wearing anyway unless you're a 14-year-old boy who just discovered the Axe-after-gym-class affect). It's not body wash, it's cologne. You're not supposed to be bathing in Aqua di Gio or Polo Blue. Use it sparingly. If you need some tips and tricks on how to find a cologne that works for you, check out my article, “Scent Sense" for more info.
Extreme Amounts of Jewelry
If you're sparkling like a disco ball when you're walking on the sidewalk, chances are you're doing too much. The key to jewelry is subtlety. Just because you have ten fingers, doesn't mean you need to wear ten rings. Don't be an Adam Lambert (he can pull it off, most guys, probably not), keep it to one or two. If you're ever questioning if you're wearing too much, you probably are. A good rule of thumb to follow is not wearing more than two pieces per area of your body. Two earrings? Looks like the nose ring (which you probably shouldn't have anyway) needs to go. Ring and a watch? You've hit your quota for the day. Use your jewelry to make other pieces you're wearing look better, as accents, not as the center of your outfit.
Phone on Your Hip
Guys, the days of beepers are over. Way *beep*-ing over. How much harder is it to reach into your jacket pocket to take out your phone? The extra half-second your caller is waiting while your arm reaches the extra six inches into your coat really won't make that much of a difference. I promise. There is nothing that wearing a “hip clip" can do for you besides making you look like a corporate cartoon character and add an awkward four inches to your waistline. Keep the phones in your pockets (or even your messenger bag if you need to. See #3).
Anything that Lights Up or Makes Noise
Grow up, Buzz Lightyear. You have a job? You have a car? You have a girlfriend? Then you shouldn't have blinking shoes or jingling pants. If you're at the movies, nobody should be confusing your footwear with the emergency exit lights. Sorry gents, but if it glows, it goes. Enough said.
Animal Print/Fur Anything
The only men that can get away with wearing animal print or fur are Fred Flintstone and George of the Jungle. Even the guys from LMFAO are pushing it. No college man needs to be wearing a cheetah print jacket or stroking the fur on his hood like a shoulder cat. There's a reason most animal prints are based off of female felines: because they're for women. If it has stripes, it better be pinstripe. If your pants have spots, it better be because you spilled some sauce. If you wouldn't walk up to a girl and start purring or growling at her, why let your outfit do it?
Girls' Clothes
There is never a time in a man's life where he should think, “the best clothes for this situation can be found in the women's section." Guys, we literally have half of the clothes of the world to choose from. Unnecessarily double-dipping in the women's side is not only greedy, but outright weird. A girl walking out of your room wearing your shirt can be sexy, but it doesn't work the other way around. Stay away from your sisters', girlfriends', and slams' drawers. There is nothing, nothing, for you in there. Well, at least nothing you would wear (wink, wink).
Hopefully this little guide was helpful in showing you how easy it can be to improve your look by avoiding these ten things. Now, this is by no means the be all and end all of lists. If you think you're man enough to rock the hip-phone or cheetah print tee and still hold your man card, more power to you. We encourage you guys to find something that works for you and roll with it. Except girls' clothes. Just don't. Please.
