As soon as temperatures begin to rise and summer settles in, everyone gets excited about the nice weather. In the city, this blessing turns into a curse when humidity levels and the heat of the sun start to rival those of a sauna. You're slithering home from work drenched in a layer of sweat on a Friday afternoon and your friends mention camping. You practically roast on the asphalt walking to work every day, so escaping to the cool woods and rivers of the mountains sounds like a five-star vacation and you agree to go. After all, what could go wrong? Here is your fool-proof guide to camping. Results may vary:
1. Leave for your camping destination as close to nightfall as possible. This way, you get to engage in an exciting game of "will I be able to set up my tent before the sun goes down or will I sleep in my car?" This is assuming you have all of your tent supplies and instructions on hand. You can increase the difficulty by throwing out the instructions and mashing all the pieces together. Or just drape a tarp over a tree branch and call it a night.
2. Bring your GPS and your cellphone to help navigate. Once you're outside of city limits, it's hard to determine where you are. Every tree looks identical to the last and each turn brings you deeper and deeper into the forest. Location services become spottier and at one point you totally lose all service and signal. Your GPS will keep you company by announcing that it is "recalculating" every five seconds while you struggle to use an obsolete piece of paper called a map in combination with the compass app on your phone.
3. Don't bring any lanterns or flashlights. You want the full outdoor experience without any technology, so leave all of your fancy lights at home. Since you're so far away from civilization, there is no light pollution to guide your way, either. Use your hands to blindly feel for everything in the pitch black dark. Is that a rope or is that a snake? Who knows, it's a mystery! If necessary, resort to using your iPhone flashlight if you haven't drained the battery trying sending selfies of yourself enjoying the wilderness on Snapchat.
4. Use the amenities provided by the great outdoors. That tree over there? Perfect for relieving yourself. It even has a sweet vine on it with leaves that you can rip off with which to wipe. Your three-pointed leaf will give you a beautiful butt rash that you can scratch and cherish for the rest of your stay.
5. Avoid using bug spray and sunscreen. These vicious chemicals will repel all of your potential nature friends and diminish the value of your outdoor excursion. Mosquitoes really want to get to know you on a deeper level, so you don't want anything to get in their way. Plus, you've been dreaming of getting a nice tan all summer so why block out the sun? The resulting sunburn will surely keep you warm at night in your tent.
6. Make sure you bring a tent with a semi-exposed roof. Having a tent with a partially open roof will give you access to circulating fresh air and the starry sky. You can literally count the stars until you fall asleep. Also, you can listen to the distant rumbling of thunder and see lightning strike across the sky. Your open roof will expose you to all of nature's elements, including torrential rain straight into your tent. Your soaked sleeping bag will still provide about as much comfort as a mud wrap.
Following this guide will ensure an entertaining camping experience. Of course, you should probably do some additional research to make sure you have a successful and safe trip. Happy camping, everyone!
