Saratoga.com writes, "One of the best ways to improve your mood, be adventurous, and really get to know a place is to sample the local cuisine." Um, Saratoga's local cuisine consists of fried dough filled with cream cheese and chicken...so if you wanna get to know the inside of a toilet, by all means, be adventurous. A Doughboy (from Esperantos) looks the same in a toilet as it does on the shelf.
For those not as daring, though, here are 20 restaurants where you can sit down and shut up.
1. Max London's (466 Broadway)
Best place to go to get interrogated by your parents, or awkwardly see your American Studies professor smashed on red wine. Max London's is like a boyfriend who you had a reallllly big crush on at some point, and when he finally asked you out, it seemed like you were on top of the world. However, you quickly discovered that, despite the fact that he gives great head, he's pretty dumb and overhyped. You don't really wanna be with him, and in fact you should probably break up, but you can't bear the thought of being alone. And honestly, this boyfriend makes pretty fly bloody mary's and breakfast pizzas.
What to Order: I literally just told you. A pizza and a bloody mary.
2. Scallions (44 Lake Ave.)
All the male waiters are attractive as f*ck!
What to Order: A Quinoa Salad, like every other basic girl eating there.
3. Ravenous (21 Phila St.)
Cheapest way to feel like you're in France! Just kidding, the last time I was here was Freshman year, when I pranced in after club fair with 4 girls that have probably dropped out or joined the Outing Club. It was nothing like France.
What to Order: A crepe...duh.
4. Little India & Karavalli (60 Court St. & 47 Caroline St.)
Two different restaurants, same type of cuisine. Little India is small and charming, Karavalli once prank called me. That’s really all you need to know.
What to Order: Garlic Naan, Chicken Tikka Masala, and Palak Paneer--but iI'm not here to tell you what to do.
5. Hattie's (45 Phila St.)
Eat their fried chicken and you will either fall asleep or die. It’s that good. Try their Mason Jar House Salad and you are guaranteed to look like an asshole. Also, they have a great list of cocktails, such as Mint Juleps, Cajun Lemonade, and Swamp Water, that are great for drinking while wearing a giant straw hat and talking about The War of Northern Aggression.
What to Order: Warm Arugula Dinner Salad, if you're a basic hoe, or Good 'n' Evil Chicken Wings, if you can hang.
6. Sperry's (30 1/2 Caroline St.) UM WHY IS THERE A "1/2" IN THEIR ADDRESS???
Popovers.
What to Order: Do you not read?
7. 15 Church (15 Church St....duh)
Want some Fois Gras Aioli? On top of Chicken Liver? With a side of human tears? No? Well, it costs around 8$ for a SIDE of vinegar, so if your parents ask you where you want to go when they come to visit, and you're looking to spite them, suggest 15 Church.
What to Order: Anything that costs more than $30.00, because you're not buyin!!!!
8. The Merry Monk (84 Henry St.)
"It was reunion weekend, [and] it was the third stop of the night. And we went in and a friend ordered a beer. It was good. We were sitting at a high-top [table]. It's still unclear as to whether [my friend] was hugging or pushing me, but apparently I fell and hit my head on a beam. I fell on the ground and my entire chair fell over. Some random blonde woman was standing above me, asking me if I was okay, when I came to. Then we went to Henry Street Taproom." - My good friend, who I will secretly call "Tessa", on the last time she was here.
What to Order: T H E M U S S E L S on Wednesdays, cause they're 2 for 1, you broke-ass-hoes.
9. Mio Posto (68 Putnam St.)
Let's just say they have an item on their menu called "Really good chicken," so even they know they're the shit.
What to Order: I've heard the chicken is "really good."
10. Chianti Ristorante (18 Division St.)
Their bread is so dope.
What to Order: Sit down, pretend to order, eat the bread, then leave.
11. Forno (541 Broadway)
Forno makes you feel like you're in the middle of a Firenze osteria..until you look out your window and see a drunk bum throwing up beef jerky outside Stewart's gas station, next door. We can't all win.
What to Order: Anything that sounds Italian.
12. Boca Bistro (384 Broadway)
The last time I was here, the fire alarm went off and didn't stop for approx. 10 minutes. No one did anything, they just kept eating their paella. I like that there could've been a fire, and there probably was, but people were like, "nah, fuck it I"ll take my chances and keep eating."
What to Order: UM, the Paella. It stops fires.
13. Circus Cafe (391 Broadway)
Lol.
Their website describes it as a "whimsical eatery delivering American fare, games & karaoke beside circus-inspired murals & decor." Oprah once ate here.
Come to see prospective Skidmore students peeing themselves over pre-College anxiety, while fighting with their parents over how "far" is "too far." High School was great...
What to Order: They serve popcorn instead of bread.
14. PJ's BAR-B-QSA (1 Kaydeross Ave. W.)
BBQSA is the embodiment of every Upstate NY stereotype.
What to Order: The "Slop Bucket," consisting of your choice of meat, smothered in melted cheese, curly fries, coleslaw, and baked beans. Say a blessing before you eat, cause you will die after you eat this.
15. Mouzon House (1 York St.)
This $$$$ restaurant is the type of place whose owner responds to every single Google Review. They also have beignets and catfish that make you feel like you're in the middle of New Orleans, about to have naked women shower you with mardi gras beads!!!!!
Just kidding. it's located at the edge of a parking lot across from a Hampton Inn.
Reality bites.
What to Order: The "Dave's A Jerk Catfish," because who's Dave? Why is he a jerk? Is he mad or glad that he has a catfish dish named after him? Does Dave own the restaurant? Is he a Saratoga local? Was Dave a drunk Skidmore student?
16. Druthers (381 Broadway)
A Yelp review states, "Too many students from the local college in baggy clothes pretending to look cool while drinking beer, even though the girls wearing floral maxi skirts and their Dad's old sweater from the 80s probably don't even like beer."
Uh, sorry.
What to Order: The Bavarian cheese and pretzel dip, because if you wear baggy clothing and your Dad's old sweater from the 80s, no one will notice how many pounds you just gained from licking the sides of the dip bowl.
17. Wheatfields (440 Broadway)
This is the type of place Upstate New Yorker's go to on Date Night, and think is the fanciest restaurant they will ever dine in.
What to Order: Their garlic-butter spread is on point. But my friend's mom loves the "Chicken Parmesan" and once said it was better than anything she ever ate in Italy. I am no longer friends with this person's daughter.
18. Maestros at the Van Dam (353 Broadway, hahahaha wtf is the Van Dam?)
This American bistro is closing it's doors in mid-November. My dad is really bummed.
What to Order: It's the most average restaurant, so order something average like "Salmon."
19. Mingle on the Avenue (30 Lake Ave)
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha.
Their motto is "Mixed. Blended. United." --which I'm sure is what L. Ron Hubbard and David Berg told their cult followers...
What to Order: Nothing.
20. The Local (142 Grand Ave)
Honestly, the last time I was here I was still blackout from drinking at the Race Track. So I don't have much to tell you, except my leftovers were pretty great at 4am.
This Pub and Teahouse is located in the "Arts District," which is just code for "Pretentious Galleries That No One Goes In". Kudos if you even knew Saratoga had an Arts District.
What to Order: The Fish and Chips, because their website claims they are "the best in the region," and I like a place that knows how to hyperbolize.
~~There you go, 20 of the most notable restaurants in Saratoga Springs, NY. They weren't in any particular order, just whichever place I remembered first. So I guess that says something...~~
Honorable Mentions: Cantina (a Mexican restaurant with 2$ Taco Tuesday and margaritas that will make you slightly racist), Duo (sushi that definitely does not come from an ocean...), One Caroline Street Bistro (another pretentious place with a number for a title), The Crown Grill (haha jk), The Stadium Cafe (great for getting hit on my drunk Saratoga dads), Comfort Kitchen (I have nothing to say about this place, it's wonderful), and Uno Chicago Pizzeria!!!!
