Growing up with an alcoholic parent is not what most people see it as.

Most people see it as, a dad coming home after work everyday, cracking open a beer (or a few) and watching tv until it is time for bed. That is not what having an alcoholic parent is like. Not even slightly.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is being a little girl and wanting to play and mess around, but getting yelled at for being too noisy because your dad is drunk and wants to rest at 6 pm. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is questioning as a young child why daddy is always so mad. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is not knowing when the "switch" is going to flip and happy dad is gone. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is wanting a bond with your father, but him not being able to be MAN enough to be there for you.

I have struggled for many years wondering why my father chose the bottles over his own family. I have had many sleepless nights of "what can I do to help him?", "What can I do to stop him?", "Why am I not enough for him to stop?".

The only person who has the ability to help and change an alcoholic, is the alcoholic.

I have always liked to say there were three stages to my father, while he was intoxicated.

1. The funny guy

2. The quiet guy

3. The mean guy

When my father would come home from work, he would being drinking immediately. After a few beers in, I swear to you he was the funniest man I have ever known. We would laugh and joke and have such a great time together. Then in the blink of an eye the laughs ended. The blank stare came upon his face, and he would not speak. This is when we knew it was time to settle down and be quiet. Then the third stage. This was the stage where it seemed that everything made him mad. You could not make jokes, you could not really do anything without him being bothered. This is the stage I hated the most. I would often wonder to myself, "How can his mood change THAT quickly?". At the end of the night enough was enough and it was time for bed, that is all I knew. No questions asked.

September 29, 2013 was the day alcoholism won.

My father was a great man, with a really bad problem.

He was not there for my first heartbreak. He was not there for my high school senior night. He was not there for my high school graduation. He is not here to see me go through college. He will not be here to see me graduate college. He will not be here to see my wedding. He will not be here to see my children. He will not be here for so many things in my life because he could not stop his addiction.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent has to be one of the most damaging things anyone will ever go through, because your parent is there but not there all at the same time. Just know if you are going through this, you are not alone.

Now do not get me wrong, I have no doubt that my father loved me. In fact, I KNOW that he did, and I loved him just as much.

It's just that, sometimes love is not enough to save someone.

Rest in peace, Thomas C. Lane. We love and miss you.

#alcholismawareness #addictionawareness