It’s been almost a week since October 11, National Coming Out Day. As celebration on that day, social media exploded with people writing about their experiences, expressing pride about their sexuality, and vowing to support others who have yet to come out or couldn’t due to personal circumstances. Many of us paraded around the city and waved the rainbow flag. That is, except me.
It’s against my nature to remain neutral. Acceptance and equal rights are needed desperately, and being homophobic is unacceptable. I know that I’m not. It’s just that my family is.
Ever since long before my birth, my family has belonged to a very strict Christian denomination. Just as much as it saw evolution as a trick of Satan, it also saw being not heterosexual as a trap as well. The “God made Adam and Eve” and “A man who lays down with another will be stoned” arguments constantly pushed the opinion that being straight is the only moral sexuality. Using verses from the Bible, the denomination claimed that it knew what God deemed right or wrong. The only good thing it taught was how to be civil about it.
Although my family is superficially polite, their contempt and intolerance are much more genuine. Unfortunately for me, I was expected to have the same viewpoint too. Because they believed that serving God is my upmost priority, they in turn taught me to hate anyone not heterosexual as well.
I don’t know how, but perhaps through luck, that lesson never stuck with me.
In elementary school, I never knew what being gay was because no one ever mentioned any other sexuality besides heterosexuality. Girls had quiet crushes on boys, and boys shouted, “Cooties,” at girls as a sign of their attraction. Seemed natural to me, and that was the only thing I saw. Although, in retrospect, it’s upsetting to think that those with other sexualities are utterly unrepresented, I view it as a blessing. The younger childhood years are when the parents have most influence on you. I shudder thinking about my parents hammering into six-year-old me that being homophobic was morally upstanding…
It was in middle school that I first heard the word “gay.” I’m ashamed to say, but when I learned what being gay meant, I felt uncomfortable. It was a complete departure from the whole “one man and one woman” theme I had heard constantly as a child. My discomfort quietly stayed until my junior year in high school.
For my cultural anthropology class, my professor (bless his soul) played a documentary, “The Bridegroom.” At first I just wanted to block out what I was watching because I was in turmoil. A part of me felt that I was disappointing God and my family; the other part felt sympathetic for those bullied for being LGBTQ+ because I knew how painful it was to be different as well. I endured the endless emotional turmoil until finally I watched the ending.
And cried.
I finally saw that not being straight was not a crime, not a sin and definitely not unnatural. Attraction and love remains the same no matter the gender. Although at that time I still stayed committed to that denomination, I no longer felt conflicted for secretly being an LGBTQ+ ally.
Right now, I am still a Christian, and I am still expected to have the exact same views as my family. Due to circumstances, I cannot tell them that I am against homophobia and that I am an ally. But although I cannot raise the rainbow flag, I still believe in equal rights and acceptance. Once I am able to stop being secretive, I know that I will make a larger difference.
