On the three-year anniversary I am reminded that grief is a process and something that never goes away. Grief is a painful sting that is always there, but illuminates within on the anniversaries, the birthdays and the milestones.
Grief has been consistent in my life since I was 13 years old.
Two weeks after my 13th birthday my maternal grandfather passed away. Two weeks before my 16th birthday my paternal grandfather passed away. Two weeks before my 21st birthday my 16-year-old brother Nick passed away. In between these milestone birthdays I watched two of my friends grieve their siblings as an outsider and then as an insider. I had experienced death and grief in each form before I was even 21, while most people I knew had never experienced any kind of loss. In September, I lost my grandmother and the grief felt overwhelming and new again, regardless of how many times I had been through it before.
Every day for the past three years, I wake up and do a mental to-do check as most people do: " you have this class today, this assignment due tomorrow, oh and also by the way your brother is dead". As cliché as it sounds not one day has gone by where I haven't thought about my brother. While I think about him every day I am not truly grieving every day. I have gone to therapy, I talk to other siblings who have lost their sibling, I talk to friends, and my parents but what I've learned is you can talk about your loss as much as you want and to whoever you want but you will never be truly cured from the deep rooted pain of missing your loved one. You will learn how to cope, but you will never learn how to get over your love. No one should ever expect you to simply "get over" your love.
The trauma of losing a sibling at 20 is one that is hard to describe. I was an "adult" by all standards and still didn't have the brain power to understand and acknowledge what was actually happening.
For me personally in terms of sibling loss grief and as most other siblings grievers have said, the two years after the loss are spent harbouring your feelings so your parents can grieve. Once they are starting to do better (because they will never truly be better or "cured") it's your turn. After Christmas I just finally came to the real raw realization that my brother is never coming back, and while I have been well aware that he has passed for three years now ...the sudden wave of undeniable grief made it seem like the accident was yesterday. I started to distance myself from a lot of people in my life and began spending a lot of time at home. I wondered, why all of sudden did it occur to me that he was gone when I had been aware of it for so long? That's the funny thing about grief, no matter the distance from tragedy it's always there. That dull ache. That deep rooted agonizing pain comes rushing back with just one thought.
These past few months have been filled with a multitude of changes in my personal life that have made the loss of Nick more profound. My coming up graduation which will be the first graduation of mine that Nick won't be in attendance for, my 24th birthday, the fact that Nick would be as old as I was during the accident this year if he were alive. These are all triggers to my grief and while I try to be strong on the outside the grief is still forever prominent in my life.
While it's unfortunate to have these painful memories, that's grief..... it has no boundaries and no expiration.
My best advice to those grieving is to be patience with yourself and others. Some people unfortunately will never understand your pain. Some people can't handle death. Some people don't understand, and sadly some people will refuse to put themselves in your shoes and support you unconditionally. There is no textbook definition on how to grieve and everyone is different. Your grief is your grief, don't let anyone tell you how to feel, and to be blunt if they are telling you how to grieve you don't need them in your life. Period. I learned that the hard way.
With yourself, you will not grieve in one sit down, one weekend, one week or even one year. I spent the first two years with my guard up and resisted to grieve because I didn't like how it made me feel and I felt like I was letting the people around me down. That's one of the big take aways from grief that I have, just because someone's loss is from 5,10, 15, 25 years ago doesn’t mean they ache any less. In the beginning everyone is around to support you, but that's normally the time where the griever is still in shock and hasn't truly accepted what has happened. Grief does not expire it is always there, it's just becomes more manageable as the years go on. I've found that I've needed more support now than I ever did before, I am fortunate to have friends that truly understand that my grief will not be over in a year and have let me grieve in peace with absolutely no judgment.
If you are a friend wanting to help a friend grieve, just be there you don't have to overcrowd them but just be the ear they need in times of need. Be the phone call they can make when they need someone to talk to or the person they can go on a drive with to talk about anything including their loss. Sometimes we just need someone there to listen to us who knows what we've been through when we feel like our world is spinning out of control again.
if you just lost someone close to you; grief is a gradual process that has the same effects of a roller coaster, not an enjoyable one. Its one with a lot of upside down flips, but also one where it's flat for long periods of time where you feel relief but then your grief takes you on another unexpected spontaneous loop. It sounds daunting and scary but it does get more manageable and less scary as the years go on. it does get easier. your loved one is always with you and watching over you, take comfort that they will always be with you no matter what.
To my brother Nick on the three-year anniversary;
If possible, I miss you more today than I have collectively for the past three years. I know that you are forever watching over me and guiding me in the right direction. I love you forever, 77.
