17,000 flashlights in a dark room transform into stars. 17,000 people sing along and it becomes an overwhelmingly beautiful melody. The energy of the room was ethereal. Something I had never experienced and don't know if I ever will again. I was, for the first time in a long time, genuinely happy. I actually felt alive.
Lady Gaga has always been had a large presence in my life. From playing Born This Way on repeat to build the courage to come out to my family, to blasting Bad Romance when I wanted to have fun. Her music has always been there for me, even when nothing else was. When I had nothing I knew I had her music. However, it wasn't just musical talent that I love about Lady Gaga, it's also her heart, her soul, and her character. I admire her charity work and the work of the Born This Way Foundation. Her strong and public love for the LGBTQ community helped me feel safer in a world that had so much hate towards people like me. Her down to earth personality showed me that even though she was a pop icon she still was just a young Italian girl who loved playing in nightclubs. Lady Gaga and Stefani Germonatta. I love and admire them both.
Finally, the time came when I would get to see her in person. October 2017. I would get to be in the same room as the woman who had impacted my life so greatly. Little did I know her biggest impact would happen that night.
The whole concert was otherworldly. The hyped up throwbacks like Paparazzi to her new heartwrenching Million Reasons. Gaga doesn't disappoint. Towards the end of the concert, she sat down at her piano to sing a slowed down version of Edge of Glory. As she sat down I looked up and noticed 17,000 flashlights shining around me. I felt like I was enveloped in the night sky. It was so beautiful that even Lady Gaga commented on it. "17,000 heartbeats and they all have a purpose. 17,000 lights that look like stars. If you ever get lost in your head and you feel like you're on the edge. Know I am there with you. Use these lights to guide you home."
I absorbed these words like a sponge. For some reason they hit me. I felt like they were meant for me, solely me. Like somehow she knew what I had been going through.
I have suffered from severe clinical depression for years and spend the majority of my time lost inside my own mind. I don't even recognize reality most of the time. I take multiple medications, have weekly therapy appointments, and visit a psychiatrist monthly. However, when I am home alone I tend to crawl back into myself. Into my mind. And I can't find my way out. For years my only way back to the world was through self-harm. An unhealthy and harmful tool to possess. But that's what it was to me, a tool. Something I used to get myself back to this realm. My legs are a permanent testament to this.
Since that day in October, I haven't cut myself once. Instead, I look up at the picture I printed of Gaga at her piano and I recite those words over and over. Those lights guide me out, back to this world.
Lady Gaga has given the world her gift of music and compassion. To me, she gave a lifeline to reality. A way out of self-harm.
She gave me a gift I can never repay and one that I will carry with me always.
