In the nineteen years of my life thus far, I have been in entertainment for roughly seventeen of them. Not as a hollywood child star, but with my own 'mini' successes that I can be proud of. When in a dance studio company, I was commonly selected for the front in performances. Modeling competitions, I aced those. When it came to school Christmas programs, I not only had solos, but was often chosen to sing the other ones I did not receive outside of the original performance. When I did UIL One-Act Play in high school, I received “Best Actress”. In the speech competitions, I always won gold. At only fourteen, I landed my first internship with the Bishop Arts Theatre Center. As a matter of fact, my first paying job was a solo for a Lone Star Emmy-awarded documentary movie*.
These few accomplishments I have listed are not meant to paint me impressive; plenty of my former choir, theatre, dance, and acting peers have had the opportunities to do incredible things, if not better. My accomplishments do not overshadow the slight regret and guilt I have for not taking opportunities given to me to advance. Twice I have had the opportunity to… what is the term… ‘try out’ for modeling agencies**; acting agencies as well. I have had opportunities to be in productions for the Dallas Children’s Theater, but never practiced my lines more than a few days before auditions and thus never getting in. When it came time to pick a degree and college, I turned down a music program acceptance with the school’s highest possible scholarship offering to pursue a more ‘sensible’ degree that could give me a stable job if my entertainment career pursuit ever fell through. I never did, or knew how to, asked for help finding gigs nor explained I did not understand what I needed to do to progress further in my career. I always had the mindset it was my problem and others had their own; who would care about my plans just as much as, or more than, I do? It is a blessing, and a curse, that I know exactly who I am, what I am made of, and what I am capable of doing.
Personally, regardless of what those I surround myself with tell me, it is hard for me to imagine my entertainment career as an adult will be more fruitful than what I have done before eighteen. I find it tedious these days to find an angle to fit into for the industry. Youtube? Blogging? College? Television competitions? Walking down the street singing “O Mio Babbino Caro”? It becomes so overwhelming that I think, “Where would I even want to start?” It is like whatever I have done before, my portfolio has no ability to push me forward, at least not in a move I know. It is as if I must begin anew and redefine myself as an artist. My mother, who is a Capricorn, my most ideal example of success, and the main source of honesty I have in my life, instilled in me an early age that I need to pursue longevity above celebrity and gain the openness to accept chances in entertainment, even if they are not what I have planned. “Every ‘testimony’ starts with a ‘test’,” she would always say. If this is so, I have enough testimonies to supply a megachurch at the very least.
Where do you grasp longevity when your life’s work is imperceptible at the back of a high shelf?
I am compelled to state it has never my intention to be the next, say, Beyoncé. Correction: I’ve never held myself to a level of grace that I could be as eminent as, say, Beyoncé. However, I have always refused to be anything less than successful over a staggered career life that displays creativity, individuality, and growth. My greatest fear is to become a ‘puppet’: an artist so delusional on what equates to success, one is willing to bring everyone else’s art to life rather than their own; an artist with little to no control over their art to achieve more success. Local, background, and struggling were adjective I never wanted associated with my title of musician or artist. But thinking about it, I have been all three.
In conclusion, as you may have guessed, the thoughts of this open letter have no concrete closure. At least, not yet. As I progress, I began to come to terms that in due time, I will be able to accept that grace comes in abundance to those who believe they are favorable and there is no shame in believing you/I am favorable. I know my triumphs are to the Most High, perhaps it’s time to live like I do.
Lastly, To my life-long entertainment peers who are venturing in an involuntary hiatus, pursuing paths that seem to lead in the wrong direction; I will not attest that ‘it will get better’. Everyone else will. What I will say is do not stay too long on this route. Find your the detour ahead that will bring you to happiness. A long term happiness.
And as for the topic, what might be ‘success’ to me who feels stacked against what she has already done?
- Doctorates.
- Longevity.
- Growth.
Not particularly in that order and not ultimately complete.
Footnotes
* "A Fair to Remember". Released Feb. 2007. See references for citation.
** Photo modeling, not runway.
References
*By Allen Mondell & Cynthia Salzman Mondell. "A Fair to Remember." Media Projects Inc Changing Lives with Film since 1978. N.p., 2015. Web. 01 Sept. 2016.
