I was twelve years old the first time I said a real and honest goodbye to my older sister, Alex. She was in between her sophomore and junior year of high school, and was going off to a Moondance leadership program for three weeks. It was the first time I would ever be away from my sister for more than a weekend, and I had no idea what to do with myself. I slept in her bed, threw up on her floor in the middle of the night because I missed her and left a stain for her to remember me by, and cried like the baby I am when I saw her in the airport. She wasn’t expecting my blunder of tears and honestly, neither was I. Alex was not the most emotional person, or even the least bit emotional. She never cried at movies, goodbyes, or sentimental moments.
I, on the other hand, cry at everything.
But, I finally got my sister to crack.
It was Alex’s high school graduation. I had created a small puddle of tears around my seat throughout the ceremony, and when it was over I needed one thing: my sister. I scrambled through the rows, past the other tear stricken faces, through the sea of blue gowns, tissues, and cameras, until finally I spotted her long, brown hair and her short body through the tent. My dad saw me first, and turned my sister’s head so we made eye contact. I ran to her, and before a word was spoken we were entangled in the most intense hug I have ever been apart of.
Our bodies began to tremble as teared swarmed our eyes, and for the first time ever, Alex and I cried together, saying our unspoken goodbye for the next four years.
Yes I would see her, but this was the goodbye of our childhood, of living together, and experiencing everyday life together. It was not a goodbye to fights, nor laughs, but we shared a moment we had never shared before and have not shared since.
I cried when she left for New York University her first year, and I’ve cried each time she’s left home since then. However, just like I have a love-hate relationship with my sister, I have a love-hate relationship with her visits as well.
Like all sisters, we fight like no other, slamming doors, sending bitchy texts, and ranting to Mom and Dad, not caring if the other hears. Her first year in college, Alex returned home for FIVE weeks during Christmas, and all of January. When I first learned of the length of her visit, I was thrilled. I would have five whole weeks with my big sister again. We wouldn’t fight, we would hang out everyday, and have more fun than we ever had. Wrong.
After one week, all I could think when I saw her face or heard her voice was “Just get the hell out already.” She had been away long enough that I was used to having my bathroom, our parents, and my lifestyle with her a text away, instead of a foot stomp away. Don’t get me wrong, Alex and I didn’t spend a month fighting constantly and never having fun, but I would be lying if I said “Just get the hell out already” didn’t pop into my head more than a few times.
My sister is now finishing her third year of college, and with every year that goes by I see her less and less. Her visits shorten, and although sometimes it saddens me, I feel relieved to not think “Just get the hell out already” so much. My sister and I have developed a strange bond since she became a New Yorker and world traveler. Our times together are filled with more laughter, less bickering, and our “Just get the hell out already” thoughts tend to be more directed at our parents than towards each other. I have no problem saying that my sister is my best friend because she is. Her honesty, loyalty, and faith in me has never failed to shine, even through her sometimes stone-cold heart.
Goodbyes can be painful. Most of the time they are. Many hearts broke and tears spilled that graduation Sunday, as my sister, in her cap and gown, hugged me tighter than she ever will. Goodbyes have never been my thing, and although I cry every stinkin’ time my sister drives out of our driveway, or pulls away from my hugs goodbye in airports, I like to think some of those tears are happy tears. They’re “She’s getting the hell out of here finally" tears and I am proud of my sister for leaving so much to discover herself and new places.
