Dear you,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm giving you this power of rage, hatred, pity, and fear, but I think it's time I relieve you from both my mind and my life.
I never knew or understood what was happening. Everything kind of just happened. I thought you knew better since you were an authority figure, a person I was forced to look up to, but little did I know you loved the power that gave you and for years I refused to fight back.
I never thought about what happened every day, multiple times a day, as abuse. I just thought it was a way of showing affection to those you love, and yet, it never felt right. The tears, the bruising, and the fear only grew with time and age leading me down a rabbit hole that I desperately want to forget.
You swore to me everything was okay. Everything was natural. I never thought anything of it, until I met him. The only person that saw through me, saw the pain and wanted nothing more than to help me, and you hated that. You hated it so much you did everything in your power to make me believe the person that truly loved me was just using me, using me for my body, using me for their own insecurities and I believed you. I hated myself so much I truly believed that no one else in the world could love me the way that I was. But even when I pushed him away it didn't stop you. Not even when you got confronted did this stop you.
But don't worry, you taught me so much. You taught me how to cry without tears ever falling. You taught me how to scream in the middle of the night without a sound. You taught me how to avoid every mirror and camera to make sure I'm not recognized for who I've become.
But the great thing was, I never blamed you. Never did it ever occur to me that everything that happened over those years was your fault. I blamed myself and I hated myself, thinking that if I did everything you wanted all of my problems would go away. I really believed that and tricked myself into thinking that maybe if I gave everything to him I could have a life outside. I was so far from wrong I wouldn't even see the possibilities anymore.
Everything changed that morning you walked in, your anger exploded, your hatred grew, and your biggest fear was coming true. I didn't need you anymore. I don't need you anymore. It wasn't my fault and it never was. I was free. I found someone who loves and cares for me, and he took everything you wish you could have, and I'm glad.
The reality is I hate you. That feeling isn't going away. Every time I see you, my blood boils. That isn't going away either. But I'm not afraid anymore. It's been four years since you last hurt me and I've never been happier.
So thank you for making me understand what it means for me to not blame myself. I have many flaws, both external and internal, but what happened is not one.
This is my beginning of the end of you. You may still dominate some of my nightmares, but at least I'm not alone anymore and now, when I look in the mirror I don't see a fearful child, but a young woman who is ready for everything.
Let this be the first and the last goodbye.
SVC ...
