Dear Ed,
I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for being my other half for so long. Thank you for being my safe place. Thank you for distracting me from all of the negative things in life for so long. Thank you for showing me who my real friends are. Thank you for bringing my family and I closer, and thank you for being a constant companion. Although you did so many "helpful" things for me throughout our relationship, you did a lot more hurtful things in the grand scheme of it all. Today is the day that I say goodbye to you.
You made me a new person – and not a person I was proud to be. You made me hate food, something that I used to love. You made me skip family dinners and events because I didn't want to be around people, nonetheless, eat in front of them. You made me a terrible student and athlete who skipped class more often than not, procrastinated like it was a job, and took hardworking out of my vocabulary completely. You made me follow so many rules that you had created for me; no desserts, no fast food minus Chick-Fil-A kids meals, no soda, and if any of those were had you told me I had to purge immediately; and on weeks when restricting was the priority you allowed me to maybe eat a granola bar every other day. Water was the key to stay full, and exercise was the key to losing weight. Today is the day that I let go of all of your stupid rules for me.
You made me obsessed with the way I looked in the mirror, and what size I could get down to. The goal for you always was to look like the girls on social media who have the "killer bodies", and "perfect face with no acne", and had the "BEST wardrobe". To you that was what I needed to be, because you had convinced me that what I was before was obese, unattractive, and unlovable. You convinced me that nobody could ever love me when I looked the way that I did. I needed to be the size 2 girl who had a 6-pack and whose ribs were sticking out. You made me believe that that was what would help me be loved and wanted. But no matter what I did, how much I exercised, and how little I ate, it was never good enough for you – there was always more weight to lose, and more to accomplish. You told me "if only you looked like her, the Instagram influencer you saw on your feed today, you would be attractive, and successful, and get attention." Well guess what Ed, you were wrong. And you know why? Because even THOSE "perfect" girls aren't perfect – first because NOBODY IS PERFECT, and second THEY don't even look that way. Their pictures are photoshopped and edited 99% of the time and that is not real, nor what I want to be. Today is the day that I stop comparing myself to others.
You made me feel embarrassed, shameful, and guilty. I'm embarrassed that I stuck with you for so long; I'm embarrassed that the Selah staff had to watch me go to the bathroom and had to flush after I finished because I wasn't trusted enough to use the restroom alone; I'm embarrassed that I let my team down by walking away from field hockey mid-season; and I feel shame and guilt that my poor parents have had to be constantly stressed out about me for so long, not knowing if I would even wake up the next morning, when they both work full-time, and have lives outside of me. You told me if I told anyone they would be disappointed in me, or think it was for attention, so that's what I did for a long time. I held it in and didn't dare to tell a sole to protect my reputation as this "strong girl". But you were wrong again. I should have told someone when I realized it was getting out of control, but because I waited so long to finally tell someone it led me to this point now – at a treatment facility. Today is the day that I stop feeling embarrassed, and just speak my truth.
Despite all of these negatives that you brought into my life; you did bring me one positive, long-lasting thing. You brought me back to God. Without the hell you put me through, my momma, and Selah I would still not have a good relationship with the Lord. So I would say thank you for bringing me to the spot that I am in my life right now, but you don't deserve that; you don't deserve any recognition. It was all me and God. I learned how to be strong again, how to fight hard, and how to love harder, all because of the Word of the Lord. I think Romans 5:3-5 sums it up pretty well – "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit." Today is the day that I tell myself from here on out that I AM ENOUGH, and that I AM LOVED, for I am a CHILD OF GOD. Not a child of yours.
As I finish out this letter, I am feeling several emotions. I feel sad, anxious, and fearful of what's to come; but mainly I feel happiness, excitement, and love because I know what is to come is SO much better than what I have experienced.
Most times I say "See you Later" to people – but to you, this a goodbye. Today is the day that I say bye to you, Ed. Today I am saying goodbye to the control you had over me and my life, to the person you created me to be – a mean, moody, emotional, unmotivated girl, and to the abusive relationship that I had with you that nearly cost me my life. I am so glad to say that today I am saying goodbye to you, rather than my parents on my death bed which would have been soon to come if I stayed with you any longer than I did.
Goodbye Ed. Forever.
Sincerely, your ex-best friend, Alex
