Sugar, spice and everything nice comes together to create one fall-tastic flavor -- pumpkin spice. It works well in lattes and Yankee Candles, so it can be carried over to other products, but there is a point at which pumpkin spice is taken too far.
In an act of serious investigative journalism, The Odyssey at UIUC brings you the complete list of things that should, and should never ever be, pumpkin spiced.
Things that should be pumpkin spiced
1. Men’s cologne. Girls like pumpkin spice. Girls like boys who smell good. Boys like girls. It’s simple math.
2. Hair products. Women’s hair products that smell summery, with coconut scents exist, so why not transfer this over to fall with pumpkin spice?
3. Fireball whiskey. The cinnamon flavor of Fireball is only steps away from being pumpkin spice. They might as well go the extra mile for the autumn barn dance season. College girls everywhere would down that stuff like water.
4. Febreeze. If I want to make my room smell like a spiced pumpkin exploded in there, I should be able to. This is America.
5. Laundry detergent. I am a religious Gain Apple Mango Tango consumer, but I would switch to a pumpkin spice scented detergent if it existed. It must happen. Imagine your sweaters and leggings smelling like fall. It would just make everything feel warmer and more cuddly. It may even motivate you to do your laundry more often.
Things that should never be pumpkin spiced (some already exist):
1. Textbooks. Hear me out. Back in the day, I had a textbook that had the unfortunate luck of having root beer spilled on it. So, every time I tried to look up Immanuel Kant or Neville Chamberlain in the glossary, I had to deal with the disgusting stench of old root beer. I hate the smell of root beer, to this day. Scenting textbooks with pumpkin spice might give readers the similar effect of post-traumatic stress disorder I experience every time I smell root beer.
2. Burnett’s vodka. I don’t know who mixes the flavorings that are added to Burnett’s, but they would be the ones to screw up pumpkin spice. They cannot be trusted with this beautiful flavor out of fear of them ruining it for everyone.
4. Liquid medicine. Yes, I’m an adult. Yes, I still occasionally take children’s Benadryl and cough syrup. Much like how grape medicine never tasted like grapes, pumpkin spice wouldn’t taste right, either. Plus, if it were given to little kids, it might ruin their taste for pumpkin spice flavored things for generations to come. That would be a travesty.
5. Lysol. Cleaning supplies + pumpkin spice should, logically, equal a lovely smelling room and more motivation to clean, right? Not really. Can you imagine Lysol wipes with a pumpkin spice scent? Awful.
Our investigative conclusion: pumpkin spice can, and has been, taken too far. A petition to Burnett's may be in the works already to stop this dangerous progression of pumpkin spice.
